When faced with a problem, we are accustomed to applying logic to solve it. Weighing pros and cons, brainstorming, and advice-seeking are standard operating procedure. This may be the way you’ve done things since forever. For most of my life, it’s been my way too.
The down side is this: the logical part of our brain is subject to cultural conditioning. Since before we learned to talk, we’ve been programmed to worry about what other people think, even if we don’t consciously realize it.
By the time we reach adulthood, our parents, religious communities, and peers have filled our heads with messages about what we should want for ourselves.
Building a life by committee can leave us facing each day wondering: is this it? I did what I was supposed to do. Why don’t I feel satisfied?
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well, how did I get here?”
Here is the good news. Even if it feels a million miles away from you now, you do know what you really want. That knowledge has always been inside you, untouched by anyone’s opinion. And you can gain access to it once you know how. It’s just science.
If you aren’t familiar with how the brain’s two hemispheres function, you know exactly how hanging out in your right brain feels.* It’s that moment when you take in a stunning sunrise, or when you sink into a hug from someone you love, or the blissful surrender of final relaxation in yoga. It’s wordless, peaceful, presence. For most of us, it’s far too fleeting.**
How can you access this magical place without a trip to the beach? Simple. Engage your creativity. It happens in my coaching practice all the time. Using your imagination to tap into the calm, connected, real you supplies the information that will point you toward your destiny. That part of your brain hasn’t been trained by anyone. It’s forever wild and free. And it knows ALL.
I will demo how this works using a session from this week where another coach practiced the metaphor tool on me.
At the top of a coaching session, you identify a problem—something that consumes more energy than you’d like. If you figured it out, life would be better.
I chose to focus on how to minimize work interruptions. Sounds boring, but it really bothers me. My coaching practice and writing life take place from home, so I am on the front line for kid-related schedule changes. Being the parent to cancel plans is a twenty year old deal I made back when I first left the practice of law. At the time, Mark suggested a live-in nanny for our two litigator family. Having been outsourced myself as a kid left too many unpleasant memories for that choice to feel right to me. I wouldn’t trade any of that time with my kids. But. This work feeds my soul and I need more time.
Clearly, our deal is up for renegotiation.
We have had some uncomfortable conversations. Mark’s solution is the same as it was all those years ago. If I want to work undisturbed, we need to hire someone full time as the driver, afternoon supervisor, responsible adult for doctor’s appointments, all of it.
It didn’t feel good to me then and stills feels like the wrong thing for us today. Now that my kids are teenagers, it just seems weird. And yet, when my workday is infringed upon, I despair, wondering when my own life will matter as much as my husband’s career.
Kellee, one of my favorite Wayfinder coaches, asked me to think of a metaphor for this issue of work interruptions.
A tiger popped into my head.
“What’s the tiger doing?”
“She’s pacing in one of those zoos that appears to be animal-friendly but still sucks. The enclosure is hard packed dirt and barren with a little greenery where the other tigers are laying about. The tiger stands at the edge of the moat that separates their enclosure from the rest of the zoo. She stares into the deep cavern below. She glances back at the other tigers under the one palm tree, sort of piled on each other. She says to herself, we could all help one other get out of here, but they aren’t getting up. They seem exhausted. She thinks, what’s the use, if we all get out, we’ll all be shot. Who wants a bunch of tigers loose in the zoo?”
“Then she backs up and pounces across the moat. She makes it across and walks along the low stone wall, afraid to enter the zoo. She waits to be taken down by a sharp shooter any second. She creeps along, trying to be invisible.”
“A kind zoo keeper appears and calmly leads the tiger away, signaling to zoo goers that all is well. He guides her to the back offices where she rests on the cool cement floor. She is relieved to be alive and out of the enclosure. The zoo keeper sits down at his desk and studies the problem of this tiger who is discontented enough to risk her life to escape. He knows going back isn’t an option.”
“To the tiger’s surprise, the zoo keeper arranges a plane that takes them back to the jungle where she came from. She scampers off into the lush wilderness, happy to be among all the other wild animals. The zoo keeper stays. Although he is part of civilization, he prefers to be where all wild creatures can be free.” ***
My coach asks about each symbol. I answer, not knowing what is coming out ahead of time. I don’t think about it, just free-associate.
“I am the restless tiger.”
“The barren enclosure is the despair I feel when my work is canceled.”
“Jumping the moat is my writing.”
“The pile of tigers are other women in my situation who are worn out by this but can’t summon the energy to do anything to change it. They watch me jump and understand they can choose to do it too.”
“The benevolent zoo keeper is my calm husband who has been part of the system that has kept me trapped but also a willing partner in my liberation. As soon as I need him to show up, he is there. He doesn’t allow his emotions to overtake him as I sometimes do and instead simply makes the plans to move us out.”
“The tiger’s precarious journey crossing the zoo trying not to cause trouble for herself represents these last five years of having our kids at home. As long as we stay the course, we will arrive back to the jungle. We will have planned interruptions like school vacations, etc. We can share responsibility to be equally available for those. We can work together.”
“’The jungle’ is our plan to move to New Mexico once the kids are all in college/off doing life.”
She asks what other insights occurred to me from this exercise.
“When I have needed to go off and be myself for a while, my husband has booked every single flight out of town for me and made himself available for the kids. Has he been super excited to change his work schedule? Not particularly, but he knew I needed the time to myself and made it happen.”
“And ever since I raised the idea of relocating to Santa Fe, he has been sending me real estate listings. He seems genuinely excited about it.”
Then Kellee says, “I have a hunch, can I share it with you? Something just kept coming to me so clearly.”
This is the part of the session that shows how we are co-creating all of this. There is no hierarchy in coaching so she has some insights if I am willing to hear them.
“You don’t need anyone to look after your sons. You can partner with them to make sure you get your work done without interruption. They can take responsibility.”
It’s true. If we hired someone to surveil the boys all afternoon, the little one would go bananas. He said he doesn’t want his phone back because he didn’t like being watched on Life 360. Freedom can be his if he is willing to rise to the occasion.
I am immensely relieved by having done this exercise. I have to admit, when I watched the tiger leap out of the cage it freaked me out. I thought to myself, oh crap, do I have to leave? The thought made my heart sink so I know it’s not true. And it was a little weird that my husband was my actual keeper. But this is us. He is a planner and part of the system that has sustained us for all this time. And I am the wild animal who needs help getting back to the jungle where I belong. He will book the flights.
When you are willing to solve your problems from your imagination, you let go of all the shoulds to get to what you truly need. Once you find a sense of freedom in your solution, you know that it’s all going to be okay.
Love,
Elizabeth
POWERFUL QUESTION: Do you wake up feeling like there could be more? If so, what are you going to do about it?
Are you interested in doing this work? It is the most fun you can have trying to fix a troublesome situation, I guarantee it. If you’d like to find out if one on one coaching is for you, email me at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com to schedule a Discovery Call.
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*Neuroanatomist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor describes what it’s like when your left brain goes offline and the right brain takes over. It’s total euphoria. Check it out. https://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_my_stroke_of_insight?language=en
**If you meditate, you practice right brain living regularly. This practice makes you far more likely to operate from this peaceful, connected place because you are laying down neural pathways leading directly there.
***This use of the metaphor tool is a quite extended version. In non-coach sessions we don’t spend as much time in the metaphor world. In this one, however, the images kept coming so my coach just allowed it to keep going. Lots of good information in there!!