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Less Ego = More Joy

According to Mindfulness Instructor, Cory Muscara, “desires that arise in agitation are more aligned with your ego. Desires that arise in stillness are more aligned with your soul.”

This quote gives me flashbacks of parties where I nodded and smiled while inside I wanted to flee, of home renovations where I obsessed over nearly imperceptible details, of scrutinizing my appearance in dressing rooms my whole life.

Our ego is the boss of our “not enoughness.” When we experience that agitation, it’s our ego—our inner 7th grader—trying to fit in. The yearning to do it right, to win the approval of others, for who we are to make sense to other people. Trying to be who we think others want us to be is not the way to a happy life. I know, I tried it.

The cosmic joke is that no amount external validation is ever enough for our ego. It convinces us to keep striving for the next thing because THAT IS THE THING that will finally make it stop. The ego is a big liar.

It’s persuasive though, especially considering how deeply conditioned by the culture we are to let it dictate our every move.

I had a situation this week where that ego agitation rose up over and over. When the stakes are low, watching the ego operate can be a great little personal growth lab. Returning to that peaceful, easy feeling to discover what I really wanted was a struggle.

 

Here’s what happened.

I received a note from my favorite charity, Educate Tomorrow about their Fall fundraiser.*

Now that my coaching practice has expanded into the twenty-something age group, it gave me the idea to be a corporate sponsor and maybe donate some sessions. For their upcoming Fall event they just needed a cash donation and my logo.

The logo though. A couple years ago, the web designer made my initials a defacto logo. For coaches and consultants, it’s common practice to use your name as your brand, so the easy choice was to leave it as is. An actual logo with a new name would invite tech work for which I have neither aptitude nor enthusiasm.

BUT. I love naming my special stuff! Just ask my bike Freda, and my typewriter Louise. It’s SO fun and there’s a psychic connection that happens which I won’t get into lest you think I’ve truly gone round the bend. (There is though.)

Always choosing the practical option over the exciting one can have some unintended consequences. It is choosing contraction over expansion for your life. It keeps you small. A coaching session helped me give myself permission to choose the path that made my belly jump with excitement. Thank you once again, Coach Hope.**

 

When I thought about a design, I wanted birds! When I spot a bird outside my work space, I take a moment to be present in a happy state of curiosity and wonder.

My tech savvy friend Katie suggested 99designs.com which allows graphic artists to compete with one another for your job. I signed up and within minutes, dozens of colorful logos flooded my inbox.

Immediately, I felt bad about saying no and felt responsible for hurting their feelings. I wrote them effusive thank yous and apologies. I resented the website for exploiting the artists. I turned my fun thing into a codependence sh!t show. It took a while to snap out of it.

All weekend, I perused the multiplying choices and by Sunday, I had finally settled on a concept and an artist whose work I loved…and stalked. I looked at all his other work. Each design was more magnificent than the last. My guy Olimpio is from Tuscany for Pete’s sake. I compared my simple design to all his other super detailed, colorful logos and figured mine could use some sprucing up. I made requests and obsessed.

Can you take some elements from your other designs and put them in mine? Any way to make the birds seem happy and hopeful? I’d like to see more birds. Can I see all the birds actually?

 It had to be the most amazing design. And I wanted EVERYONE to think so. But I hadn’t listened to what I wanted yet.

The design website noted my indecision and offered to take a poll. God no. Once I gave over to the opinions of strangers, I was done for.

I asked my family. At least they knew me.

My daughter said, “doesn’t it only matter what you like?” Don’t you hate when people give your advice back to you? Don’t live by committee, I advised just last week. There’s a reason I harp on this stuff. I desperately need it.

 

When you soften your grip on superficial desires, you become more attuned to your deeper desires.

  -Cory Mascara

 

I slept on it. During the stillness of my morning meditation what I already knew came back to me. I loved the simplicity of the original design. It drew me in immediately. And I adored the Carolina Wren—that’s the little bird— curious about her companion. The birds didn’t need to be happy, hopeful or any kind of way. Just present and curious. And that is how I show up to my coaching practice.

 

When we dissociate ourselves from the egoic mind, the ego-identity dissolves. You remember who you are, and can connect with yourself. -TyaCemellia Allred, LMFT

 

That is what stillness does. If you don’t have a meditation practice, just sitting for a few minutes and listening to your breath can bring you back to yourself.

My other takeaway was becoming more aware of the tendency to mind other people’s emotional business. The habit has put me in some uncomfortable spots. Overstepping with unsolicited advice, for one. Putting pressure on myself to fix it, feeling hurt when people don’t do what I say and getting upset with the person for resisting my attempts to control them. The need to fix things that don’t belong to me continues to cause trouble in my life. This building awareness will help me modify the behavior a teensy bit at a time.

And guess what? Making the joyful choice didn’t have any of the negative tech consequences I had imagined. I purchased the website luckybirdcoaching.com and when the sale is final, it will send you directly to its own dedicated drop down which is already available on my existing website: https://elizabethheise.com/lucky-bird-coaching/  How cool is that?

 

Bottom line, the creation of this little logo put a spring in my step and helped me dream of the possibilities. One day I may want other coaches to join my practice. Now there is room to grow! And I am so excited to donate to my friends’ charity. I can’t wait to see Lucky Bird Coaching doing lots of good out in the world.

When you choose peace and joy there is no doubt that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

POWERFUL QUESTION:  What patterns do you notice? Are you allowing yourself some grace or beating yourself up about it? Do you believe all parts of you deserve love, even the ones most resistant to change?

*ET was started by dear friends nearly twenty years ago to assist youth transitioning out of the foster care system, utilizing state funding to provide tuition waivers for higher education. In the years since its founding, an entire system of support has grown up around the education piece including coaching in physical and emotional wellbeing, affordable housing, you name it. All these years later, the young adults whose lives have been changed for the better number in the thousands. The whole idea is so deeply GOOD: https://www.educatetomorrow.org. This is their fun event this Fall if you want to come! https://www.classy.org/campaign/over-the-edge/c411483 And speaking of doing good, I also love The Seed School started by the same awesome people. miami.seedschool.org. To hear how it all happened, check out my Instagram Live with Founder Melanie Damian, Esq. from 3/20/21. It’s truly an amazing story.

**Coach Hope Cook is REALLY GOOD. Check her out. https://www.coachhopecook.com

I offer one on one coaching using the Wayfinder Coaching model designed by Martha Beck. If you would like to find out if this work is right for you, email me to schedule a Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabetheheise.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have a wonderful coaching community who are ready to partner with you.

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