My friend Ilene should write a book about her experience as a mother-in-law. She maintains a solid record of being the one invited at such critical times as post-childbirth, parent getaways and emergencies of all sorts. When I asked her secret, she smiled. “Whatever their choices, my response is always, that’s great! I am asked back every time.”

Clearly, Ilene is a special case. It’s an old trope that a certain amount of criticism in this dynamic is to be expected. From the opinions I’ve accumulated over the years, I’m about a C- daughter-in-law.

 

By picking her up when she cries, you are spoiling her.

Organic produce is a waste of money.

My son shouldn’t have to cook or clean at home when he works so hard.

 

The full list could fill a set of encyclopedias, but I will spare you. Over these twenty-five years, I have allowed my feelings to be trampled by such casually delivered barbs. I’ve gotten angry, but mostly, I’ve felt terrible about not being good enough. For years, I have dragged around the weight of disapproval like a sack of hammers.

Over the course of the last year, however, I have unearthed my self-worth, rinsed it off and set it out in the sun. When the annual holiday visit ushered in a fresh round of judgments, I had a choice. Just because some unfestive vibes spattered a little mud on the holiday, didn’t mean I had to deep six my progress.

 

Before the kids got up on Christmas morning, I set out for a long run, intent on leaving the latest layer of hurt and rage out on the road. I’ve learned that when I am triggered, I can ask myself some powerful questions to probe the bitter thoughts.

What would you like to change about this dynamic?

I want something better from this relationship. I have come to terms with my own mom and fully accept where we are now. We have light-hearted conversations with zero baggage. Perhaps because my mother-in-law visits our home and is a part of our lives, I would like her to see me, not just make assumptions. After all this time, she doesn’t really know me. She’s been aware of my website and Friday Stories for months but hasn’t been interested enough to take a look.

 Why is this a problem for you?

When she is around, I brace myself for judgments like a cat with its back up. My reaction is extraordinarily thin-skinned and I don’t like the person I become. Here’s an example. Like many at this time of year, we do lots of holiday cooking. My mother-in-law has a decadent stuffing recipe that my husband asked her to prepare. Mark roasted the turkey and I sautéed mushrooms, green beans and mashed the potatoes like my own mother did: skins on. As my mother-in-law gathered ingredients for her dish, she expressed surprise at how equipped my kitchen was. With each found item, she registered shock to discover it. After the third or fourth time, I asked her, “why are you so surprised that I have a stocked kitchen?” Her reply, “I don’t know why you have any of this since you aren’t into cooking or baking.” You would have thought she threw a can of red paint on my new fur coat. I fumed in silence, shouting in my head, I have raised three children on homemade baby food, packed school lunches and prepared family dinners for decades. How dare you.  

 

 

Of course, there is history. Over the years, it became clear that my “nutrition-forward” cooking topped the list of grievances against me. On Thanksgiving at our house a few years back, my mother-in-law brought her own peeled mashed potatoes, even though I had made my own, skins on. Insults and efforts to avoid my cooking number too many to count. In my defense, I am legitimately a good cook. When she visits, I avoid her scrutiny by staying out of the kitchen to the extent possible. Perhaps she believes that if I am not cooking for her, I don’t cook for my family at all, leaving her poor son to do absolutely everything.

How would you prefer to feel about this?

I want to feel the same freedom I feel with my own mother. I want to have no expectations. I don’t want my self-worth to be tied to anyone’s opinion of me.

What is standing in your way?

My own awful thoughts, actually. By Christmas Day, I had replayed all the versions of what a terrible disappointment I had been, lo these many years. I ran until the fury drained out of my body, absorbed by the pavement beneath my feet. On mile nine, when letting go of my harmful thoughts seemed impossible, I phoned a friend. She reminded me that I don’t need to claim the C- I had given myself as a daughter-in-law. I don’t have to hold onto anyone’s opinion of me. More than a dozen miles later, I returned home to celebrate Christmas.

Shortly after brunch, my mother-in-law had to fly home early due to my son’s positive Covid test, so I did the rest of this work on my own. Everything happens as it is meant to, so perhaps I wasn’t totally ready to do the work with her yet. This last question finally broke through.

Who would you be without the thought that you are a C- daughter-in-law?*

It has served my victim story to view myself as the black sheep family member, the lowly rejected one. To have recreated the dynamic of my family of origin, the one I wasn’t yet ready to release. Without the thought that I am harshly judged, I am free to be myself. Without this burden, I am lighter. Simply by imagining how I would feel as this person who is not judged by her mother-in-law, I could become that person. Truth always feels like freedom. It may be easy for me to say behind the safety of my computer, however, in my body, I know it. Instead of the contraction in my chest, I expand, able to draw in deep, cleansing breaths.

And then this thought popped in: I don’t need a different mother-in-law than the one I have. The emotional trigger has helped me continue to work on myself, as awful as it has felt. Next time, I will work hard to remember that the past has no power over the present moment. I can open my balled up fist and let the harmful thoughts float away. I am no one’s opinion, I am simply myself. I will maintain good energy during one of the few times a year when we can be together.

Next time she comes, I will allow a fresh start. She actually tried while she was here, but I was so stuck in the past I missed the opportunity. She made a couple of attempts to heal the impression she’d left of my cooking. I prepared a palmini lasagna with tons of vegetables, not for a meal, just to have something healthy on hand. When I offered her a piece, she liked it. Another day for lunch, I made her a turkey sandwich on cauliflower sandwich rounds. She commented that she actually enjoyed healthy food, that it wasn’t she who had the problem with it.

Above all, I have realized that she has shown up for us. She is the one grandparent who agrees to come when I have a trip out of town or when we need to tend to another child. She has been here for hospital stays and college drop off. She has cooked and cleaned and cared for us. Once I let go of the thought that I am judged, my heart opened in gratitude for all she has done for me and for our family.  

When you examine your painful thoughts and ask powerful questions, you get to the bottom of what is bothering you. And when you think of who you would be without the harmful thoughts, you give yourself the chance to be free.

Love,

Elizabeth

 

WRITING PROMPT: How can you choose to be free in the New Year? 

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up!! Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you have friends who might enjoy these stories, please invite them to join us. If you don’t already, come find me on the socials so we can chat: @elizabethheise.writer on the gram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

*This question comes from the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet by Byron Katie on thework.com. I know I sound like a moonie, but this has been the key to personal freedom for me and I literally cannot plug it enough.