Author: Elizabeth Heise

Photo credit: Cameron Lee

I have a confession.

I don’t get mindfulness meditation. No offense to the practitioners. Focusing on something, watching thoughts, listening to your breath, so many things! It doesn’t relax me. If it works for you, mazels. To me, transcendental (tm.org) just makes more sense.

So when we discussed mindfulness communication techniques in our DBT* parenting skills class this week, I inwardly eye-rolled. I assumed it was too thinky for me.

Then yesterday happened. Here’s the background:

No one in my home loves mornings but me. The silence, solitude and sunrise, so great! One of my teens holds them in particular low regard, specifically mornings before school. Getting him out of the house on time is such an effort that—after two years of me being the primary person— my husband Mark and I made a schedule of who is it. Tbh as a mother hen to the core, I prefer to do it myself. For my own self-preservation though, I had to get off this baby chick for a few mornings.

In the past, it has involved yelling, foot dragging, begging and threats. Not pretty.

Take yesterday morning. After an invigorating chilly run, I felt ready to clock in as the designated handler. Quietly entering his dark room, I raised the shades halfway, allowing the rising sun to gently wake him. Mark had taken a long run so this guy would have nobody disturbing him but me.

“Morning my boy, time to get up,” I said, softly.

No response. Plenty of time, I’ll come back.

Ten minutes later:

“Do you want to take breakfast to school or make it here?” I asked, attempting to Becky Bailey him like the old days. He flopped toward the window away from me.

“Ok, kiddo. I’m getting in the shower and won’t be back. Please be ready to go in 20 minutes.”

When I was dressed, I walked passed his now mostly closed door. I could see movement and—was that a pair of pants coming off a hanger? I took it as a good sign that he was getting dressed.

I knocked.

“I’ll be in the car.”

I went out to the garage and started the car, feeling moderately confident.

Three minutes to spare, plenty of time for him to still walk to class. 

As the minutes ticked down, the time cushion disappeared. My heart rate began to rise and my teeth clenched.

And then I remembered the mindfulness work. During the class I recalled thinking, how the f>ck am I going to stop and do that in the heat of the moment?

Having nothing to lose but more of my sanity, I trotted out the techniques we had practiced, asking myself a shorthand version of what we had learned in class:

WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS MOMENT?

Observe:

What do I pick up with my senses?

Notice my thoughts.

Describe:

Put words to what is happening without evaluating or narrating.

Drop all judgments.

If it’s something that cannot be observed through the senses, it’s an opinion.

Participate:

Become one with what you are doing.

Go with the flow.

Be in the present moment.

Focus on effectiveness instead of being right.

 

I am sitting in this car getting increasingly agitated as time is ticking down.

My heart rate is increasing, teeth are clenching, chest is tightening.

This guy is driving me freaking bananas. 

When will I get to have an orderly morning?

Why is this STILL so difficult?

In that moment, I noticed more of what was happening around me. The purr of the engine of my car. The brilliant blue sky. My hands on the wheel.

I unclenched. Just this act of noticing allowed calm into my nervous system.

Then I experienced a flood of compassion for my son with the following thoughts:

He is doing the best that he can.

He hates every single day he has to go to this school.

Getting up to do something you hate for days on end must feel absolutely awful.

When he finally came out, he got in the back seat.

“Do you have my phone?” he asked.

“No,” I said mentally patting myself on the back for my un-codependence. But then he ran back in the house.

F$%@k! I should have grabbed his phone.

I observed all the pre-freak out body sensations once again and breathed.

Cultivate the ability to observe physical sensations. 

Become the observer with open awareness. 

When he got back in the car, I adjusted the rearview mirror to look into his eyes.

“Listen. I know how hard it is to find the motivation to go someplace that sucks for you. Despite all that, you are getting your work done and making excellent grades. You’ve got just a few more months. I am proud of you.

We enjoyed a quiet ride and off he went. With one minute to spare.

___

This was a good lesson for me to hold my beliefs lightly. Mindfulness is not too thinky. It helped me be effective where I had previously felt sucked into an inevitable escalation. This practice is an excellent regulator of difficult emotions. Practicing non-judgmental observation truly helped me find greater empathy for my son and I am so grateful for that most of all.

When you observe what is happening in the moment and don’t judge it, you are left with the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

* I wouldn’t necessarily have chosen Dialectical Behavior Therapy from the vast array of options, however Miriam Harrison in Miami is wonderful and invited us, so DBT it is.

 

Yesterday at 4:35 a.m., I woke up with the following thoughts:

You didn’t check on Jane when she landed in LA. Finn needs a pep talk for his interview. Check to make sure Jackson gets up for school. Tell Mark the cough is probably because he’s forgetting his supplements.  

On my run, I reflected on this tendency to mind my family’s business and ignore my own needs. I do it with friends too. Making sure they’ve had enough air time to express every little thing before I allow myself to make a peep. Sometimes my role as a woman feels like compulsory codependence.*   

Similar dynamics play out for other women I know. Too many to even talk about.

A dear friend I bumped into outside the grocery store last weekend had been volunteering that day and hadn’t been around to wake up her teenage son. He slept until afternoon and didn’t do any homework.

“If I am not there, everything goes to hell,” she said, looking exhausted.

So many of us do this to the point of feeling totally drained. Resentful even. It’s a sure sign that we are over-giving to others and forgetting ourselves.

The good news is, this learned behavior can be unlearned. We may have grown up watching our mother or father (did anyone’s father do this?) never say no to people or communicate in unhealthy ways. But that doesn’t mean we also have to enact these behaviors in our relationships forever and ever.

Bit by bit, I am choosing to check in with myself first. I am inhabiting my own body a little more each day. Instead of looking outside myself for people to control and problems to fix, I am pausing to reflect on what is going on inside me. When I am minding my business, I can allow my insides to reflect my outsides—listening to my body and acting on it.

As a result, my instincts and self-trust are growing stronger. Forgive the crude example, but it’s as simple as going pee instead of holding it until a more convenient time. It’s as complicated as declining physical touch when your body says I don’t want to. This goes against all cultural messages that tell us what we should do. Take care of everyone but ourselves.

Likewise I am self-honoring in friendship, declining invitations where the investment of energy and time is high and the chances of mutually fulfilling connections are low. More and more, I say no to big groups. I am making my needs known and not apologizing for it.

Listening to my inner guidance is working. The inner voice is now loud and clear. And I feel better. More myself. More at home in my body.

Don’t get me wrong, doing this is super uncomfortable for me. But prioritizing myself has become an imperative I can no longer ignore. I am choosing to align with who I am.

There are plenty of women who don’t feel safe enough to do this. I realize I am immensely lucky that I can exercise this much agency. I will do it for all of us.

As one might imagine, listening to myself instead of the shoulds has started trouble. Our society doesn’t love a woman who puts herself first. There are all sorts of names for that kind of woman. The world prefers an over-giver. A woman who is all sacrificing, tireless. Self-less.

A woman.

Without.

A.

Self.

A few weeks ago in a couples therapy session, my husband and I were asked to name three qualities we admire in the other but don’t verbalize. These were mine of Mark.

1. He’s really beautiful and sometimes I stop listening to what he’s saying and go blank thinking that.
2. Mark is super focused. He can depo prep for umpteen hours, sacrificing everything to do his best work.
3. Once when we first met, I was kidding around with him and he’d had enough of it. With no trace of a smile, he turned to me and delivered a chilling warning. “I can be ruthless,” he said. It was hot.

Our therapist Josiane explained that the three qualities we most admire in each other but don’t articulate are ones we need to cultivate in ourselves.

I understand the first two but I didn’t get the ruthless thing until now. I believe that being a woman in our culture who listens to her own body and honors herself first is considered ruthless. Selfish, most certainly. Ungrateful, without a doubt.

The opposite of a selfless woman is a ruthless woman.

I am letting go of the worry of what others think of me for following my instincts. I am unlearning the compulsory codependence of wife, mother and friend. It’s my new organizing principle.

So. Who is with me?

When you endeavor to be yourself and do as you wish, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What do you think about a woman who puts herself first? Where do you put yourself?

Ready to start  doing some work on you? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com.  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

*We throw the word codependent around a lot. Here is the definition from verywellmind.com “Codependency refers to an imbalanced relationship pattern. In this pattern, one person assumes responsibility for meeting another person’s needs to the exclusion of acknowledging their own needs or feelings.”

 

 

On day one of my first college math class, the professor spoke in shorthand with students seated up front. As he expanded the equation on the chalkboard behind him, they nodded and made notes.

In the back row, the befuddled among us murmured about dropping.

At the university center, I stood in line to find another course.

“What you need is Physics for Poets.”

The class wasn’t really called that, but the name captured the vibe. It would explain how the world worked to folks like me who needed a good story to understand it all.

 

Those concepts helped me realize my impact on everything around me. One raindrop falls on the surface of a pond, forming a concentric ring that ripples out, altering the whole. We are all interconnected. Nature, the universe, our tiny selves.

Even if we think no one can tell what’s going on inside us, our thoughts and actions affect everyone and everything around us. It’s all energy.

As another year draws to a close, I think about the concentric circles I have created with my one raindrop.

My own ripple effect has expanded into communities of writers, coaches, therapists, yogis, and friends, co-creating a beautiful kind of expansion for all of us. For me, a go-it-aloner, this feels like a pivotal moment.

With a small drop of my own truth, here’s what happened.

1. A sister coach and I are connected to the point where we have similar dreams. It’s the wildest thing you ever heard. You actually won’t hear about it because Vegas rules are in place.

2. In a recent writing class,* the prompts served the work of my soul so precisely it’s downright spooky. Stories that would have folks clutching their pearls all over the suburbs emerged. The writers were unbothered and shared their own toe-curling tales. The more we allowed, the deeper the truth we alchemized together. The experience was extraordinary.

3. At our annual holiday celebration, my oldest friends and I started a new tradition to show up with a BIG question to ask. Learning more of their stories made it my favorite holiday together ever.

4. My husband and I are endeavoring to know more about one other too—26 years and counting—with a talented therapist and coach. We haven’t been this present with each other since I don’t know when.

5. I am having ALL the fun in Natalie Miller’s group. On the Winter Solstice, we created a ritual to call in our deepest desire for the coming year. I actually didn’t know about the materials we were supposed to bring but I had a handful of crushed juniper in my backpack, some sweet almond oil and a nearby candle with just enough fire left to get the job done. I’m sure it worked.

6. And finally, Tantra Yoga. What could I possibly say that could explain what is happening there. I’ll have to gbty.

The net effect has me feeling sparkly. I do not take my good fortune for granted.

With all of this self-discovery business, a brilliant writer friend reminded me of the privilege of privacy. The concentric circles of safety I have cultivated around me make my personal evolution possible.

During these final days of Hanukkah, I am thinking about Hannah, sister of the Maccabees who stood up to protect her sisters.** She was the only one willing to disrupt a system that lead to the triumph of light over darkness. She dared to speak the truth and started a rebellion.

So. I propose we cultivate a willingness to speak truth in the new year. Maybe give folks a bit more credit for being able to handle it. Perhaps our hesitation is more about trying to protect ourselves from vulnerability than anything else.  

With our privilege, we can create the conditions necessary for truth to be accessible to those who have no access to it because it threatens their safety.

Happy New Year.

Elizabeth

Writing Prompt:  How safe do you feel sharing your truth? How does it compare to past versions of you? What is your willingness to tell the truth in the future?

*https://www.corporealwriting.com/current-offerings-sign-up

** https://blog.nli.org.il/en/hoi_hannah_hasmonean/

Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com. To schedule a free Discovery Session, reply to this email or contact me at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

 

Here we are at the end of another year. I find it mildly shocking that I have lived in Miami for nearly 30 of these. To the version of me who showed up here in 1995 with plans to make it brief, that sounds way too long to be true.

A scene from an interview shortly before I came to town pops on my mental movie screen.

In preparation for a legal research position with the federal government, the FBI conducted a thorough investigation of my past. Agents in dark suits and shades knocked on former front doors, asking roommates and neighbors all sorts of prying questions.

I received some concerned phone calls inquiring about what I had gotten myself into.

Sitting at a large conference table across from me, the crew-cutted agent asked what had accounted for the TWENTY-SIX different addresses. I had really put them to work.

 

I suppressed the urge to provide my usual answer to that question: I killed a guy.

As these fellows did not appear to be in a joking mood, I kept that one to myself.

Over the years, however, I’ve thought about the question. Why all the moves?

My latest answer is this: I had been desperate to leave all those places because I didn’t feel at home in my own skin. I had focused all my energy on being what others expected of me, leaving no room for my real self. Not saying the things or finally just saying the things and then quickly bailing out, I left a trail of abruptly ended relationships in my wake.

Then I’d pack and leave.

That may sound totally bananas, but that’s how I rolled. I rarely checked in about what I actually wanted for me. My needs lingered below the surface and when they inevitably rose to the top, it was time to go.

 

These days, however, impressing others is not my first order of business. I’m not going to claim I am cured of the disease to please nor that I do relationships very well. While living here, I have faded out of plenty of social situations where I felt unable to be real. I can’t do small talk anymore so if that is happening, I will be brief or not at all. I am no longer so concerned about being accepted by people who aren’t even into me. I can now face the discomfort of being who I am a little more each day.

As Glennon Doyle says, humaning is hard.

But here’s the good news:

We CAN have the life we truly want but it takes this trifecta:

1. the belief that we f-ing deserve it,
2. the knowledge that our own inner guide knows best; and
3. the courage to step into it.

Here’s a quick way to determine if you are doing life on your own terms.

Do big decisions require a panel of trusted folks to tell you what to do? Then you may have some work ahead of you.* It’s possible your most valuable resource remains untapped: your own intuition.

If you get still and quiet, your inner knowing will tell you everything. And if it’s saying nothing, give it time. If you’ve ignored that voice for a while, it may need a bit to clue in that you are listening now.

We’ve covered this territory a lot but it always bears repeating: the inner guide communicates through the body. Physical sensations are trying to tell you something: a tight throat, a throbbing temple, a flipflop in the belly. For me, tingly toes are my signal that I am on the right track.

If this sounds weird, try it first and then decide.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming that living this way is all easy breezy perfection. Not hardly. Following your true path can be terrifying. I have had to walk into some very uncomfortable situations recently, with the faith that I will only reach my full human potential when I am embracing all of who I am.

And for me, doing it this way means I don’t have to feel suffocated, pack up and catch the next Uber to the airport. It’s #worthit wouldn’t you say? I can stick around because I am now at home wherever I go, just being me.

If you honor who you really are, accept all parts of you, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What’s coming up for you as you take stock at the end of the year? Notice any patterns you are you growing out of? How can you tell? What would your current self say to your younger self?

*Aaaaand here’s my pitch! Ready to start doing some work on you? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Learn more about this work at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

 

 

Around mid-year in fifth grade, a girl named Rosalyn joined my class. She had moved to Albuquerque’s tiny South Valley, carrying an air of worldliness. Wavy black hair cascaded down her back. Her clear blue eyes, set off by an alabaster complexion suggested a maturity far beyond elementary school.

I’d never seen a child dress like her. A blouse with rich hues of purple and red, her pants a light gray. The fine fabric made me want to reach out and rub it between my fingers. She had a style that seemed to belong to her.

As I observed how she navigated her new environment, hot envy rose up inside me. Everything about her seemed so on purpose.

Rosalyn’s resting face didn’t require a smile. She looked everyone in the eye. Her manner with our teacher, Mr. Bruce, suggested she didn’t show up to impress him, or any of us, for that matter.

Of course, I compared myself. I didn’t carry any air. My air belonged to everyone else, filled with predictions of what they wanted from me. On my resting face sat a permanent smile, no matter what was happening inside me. My clothes were not special. The kitchen scissors left me with a nondescript kid-do.

Unlike me, Rosalyn fully inhabited herself.

I have longed to walk through the world like her ever since. As if I belong everywhere.

In the forty-three years since I met that striking girl, I have inched closer to self-acceptance. Unlearning who I believed I needed to be for other people has been a lifelong process.

Do I sometimes feel frustrated, believing I should be further along? YES. Yes I do. You have a front row seat to that every week.

But starting today, I am giving us both permission to be where we are at this very moment. If we were supposed to be different right now, WE WOULD BE.

I am not suggesting any of us settle for so-so or forgo opportunities to evolve. What I am saying is this:

You are never too late on your own journey.

Our level of consciousness is exactly where it should be right now and the circumstances in which we find ourselves are exactly what we require to get us to the next level. That is simply how it works.

The way to test the truth of that is to feel how that idea lands in your body. Does it allow you to feel expansion or contraction?

Here is a hint: TRUTH feels like freedom. And freedom is the sensation of unfurling, unfolding, opening out.

You are exactly where you need to be. 

Right now.

I promise.

How does that feel?

***

AND ALSO. Of course we want progress because moving on up  makes us happy and excited for the future. We all want that.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” -Carl Rogers

When we are always looking at what we want to improve, where we want to be, and what steps we must take to get there, our precious energy is being spent and our thoughts are focused on what we are not. And how far away we are from our destination. Carrying around the weight of non-acceptance blocks progress and increases resistance to change.

So how do we move forward in a more self-honoring way?

Ask yourself this question:

How do I want to feel? 

The answer must not depend on what someone else will do for you or that they agree with what you should have.* The answer comes only from your empowered self.

To illustrate how this works, I’ll give a disempowered example that could use reframing:

I want to be cherished.

That state of being depends on the actions of another person doing the cherishing, so that’s not it.

The question becomes:

How will I feel when I am cherished? 

Warm. 

Tingly. 

Unstoppable.

So, how do you get there? Keep asking yourself this:

What do I want?

I have gotten in the habit of asking it often. Right now, I want more peppermint tea and to ice my janky knee.

So I got up and did both of those things. Now I feel happy and motivated to finish this piece and get ready for my workshop. I will keep asking myself these important questions. And doing what I want. And building greater self-trust. Better intuition. To tap into my next right thing.

When you begin to honor your own wishes something shifts. You are no longer pushed by the pain of living in a way that doesn’t serve you. You begin to feel pulled by the vision of how you really want to live. One self-honoring choice at a time.

When you are in the habit of asking yourself what you want, you will be guided towards the kind of life that is not just okay, but EXACTLY what you always wished it would be.

Sound good?  LET’S GO.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What do you want right now? How about in 2 years? 5 years? 10 years? How do you want to feel? What are you willing to do to get there?

Ready to start  doing some work on yourself? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

*This bit of brilliance comes from a real coach’s coach, Natalie Miller, who I have written about before. I love her stuff so much, I joined her very witchy Cauldron. It is a game changer for me. Check her out at nataliekmiller.com 

 

Our handyman brought us a sweet potato pie for the holidays, like he does every year. One forkful of its decadence kept me “evening it out” until 1/4 of the pie had disappeared.

The savory sweetness wasn’t the only thing that drew my fork to that pie all night.

A difficult conversation with my son had left me with a lot of unexpressed FEELINGS. I had missed the critical part of our exchange where you tell the person how you feel.

Interpersonal effectiveness in a hard interaction ideally goes like this:*

 

I saved this graphic on my phone just in case something comes up

The easy to remember acronym is DEAR MAN.

Describe the current situation, sticking to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

“You told me you would be home by dinner, but you didn’t get here until 11.”

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assuming the other person knows how you feel. Use phrases like “I want” instead of “you should,” “I don’t want,” instead of “you shouldn’t.”

“When you come home so late, I worry about you.”

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume others will figure out what you prefer. No one can read your mind.

“I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”

Reinforce (reward) the person in advance by explaining the positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need.

“I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with if you do that.”

Mindfully stay focused on your goals. Maintain your position—don’t get off topic. Keep asking, saying no or expressing what you want until it is clearly received. Ignore attacks or attempts to change the subject.

“I would still like a call.”

Appear confident and effective. Make good eye contact, offering no apologies or retreating.

Negotiate. Be willing to give to get. Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask them for alternative solutions.  Focus on what will work.

“What do you think we should do? I am not willing to just stop worrying about you.”

***

Even though I have practiced this communication style a lot, I’ve had difficulty remembering the feelings part.

Vulnerability doesn’t come easy for me in person. (Writing it all down and sending it to your inbox? Piece of cake. I am all dessert metaphors all the time.).

After the conversation in which I kept my feelings hidden: I ate. So. Much. PIE.

And this is the price I paid for stuffing my feelings:

A rough night’s sleep and a leaden morning meditation. It is usually an energy cleansing, vibration-raising moment that leaves me tingly and ready to enjoy the day. After pie night, however, I fell asleep and left late for my run.

Out on the road, my morning refresher felt more like a slog through molasses.

I headed out to school drop-off behind schedule, hit construction traffic and got yelled at by a stranger for attempting a questionable cut through.

Choosing not to express my feelings skipped the self-honoring part of asking for my needs to be met. It messed me up for a full day afterwards.

 

I also missed establishing a better connection with my son. When you tell people how you feel, you allow yourself to be SEEN by the other person. Instead, I had left an empty pothole inside to be filled with stuff that doesn’t belong in there. Like pie.

So. Next time, when I have a hard conversation, I will be more mindful of all the critical pieces and intentional about what I want out of it. I WILL SAY HOW I FEEL.

When you express your feelings to another person, you create a connection between the two of you. When you feel connected to others, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: How are you at expressing your feelings? Do you notice what happens when you forgo the opportunity? How can you engage with others in a more self-honoring way?

*This is from the book and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy parenting skills class we are taking. This little graphic is very handy. If I can get the feelings part down, it will work better.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

Ready to start  doing some work on yourself? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

 

In this week of giving thanks, we can all stipulate that gratitude is good for you.* We are bombarded with those messages, especially now.

Here’s a new way to look at an overused word and put it to work. When a worry pops in, send your gratitude to take care of it like Tony Soprano.

I’ll tell you what I mean.

My three teenagers, like young people everywhere, live in perpetual uncertainty.  This one is sending out applications, that one is procrastinating, the other one is running her own life until we get a late night call. As their mom, I could work myself up into a lather.

  

Because I have spent so much time allowing worry to dominate my thoughts, that is my default setting. The good news is that I have found a way to stop the cycle: notice when it’s happening and then mindfully choose something that feels better.**

Now when a scary “what if” slides in, I project it on the IMAX screen in my head, visualize the scene unfolding perfectly, in great detail, concluding with smiling faces. I actually feel the excitement and gratitude of everything working out.

Sidebar for the skeptics. You might wonder how it’s possible to flip a legit worry into an imaginary good outcome. First, worry isn’t right about how things will turn out. In fact, worry is A LIAR. It believes everything will go badly when it has just as good a chance to go well.**

Also. Worry makes us feel like we are doing something about the problem. Like if we just devote X amount of time to hand-wringing, we are giving that important thing attention. It is a false sense of productivity. Don’t fall for it. Worry just makes life miserable because we are choosing to live in the feelings of an undesirable future.

Plus, fretting over loved ones DOES NOT HELP THEM. You are actually making it so they cannot come to you for support because you have snatched up their experience and thrown it into your own worry furnace. They need untroubled space. Your bad vibes are not that.

 

Choosing to imagine the best case scenario is actually easier than you might think. If your thoughts are causing you to feel terrible, you CAN choose another thought. It’s simple brain science. When you choose differently, neuroplasticity allows your brain to reorganize to anticipate positive experiences. You reinforce new neural pathways that will eventually become automatic processes. Playing the reel of best possible results pumps dopamine into the brain’s chemical pathways. It creates the feeling state of everything working out just as we would like.

To stop defaulting to the worry loop, you have to practice. I have a calendar reminder every day at 3:30 pm. Whatever worries I have, I take a few minutes to visualize a good result and to feel happy and grateful for it. I don’t do it all the time, but when I do practice, it feels like a full energy cleanse. 

I have proof the practice is working. Our family traveled for the holiday this week. Unlike our usual, we arrived at the airport behind schedule. The backup of cars to the parking lot announced you will miss this flight if you don’t find another solution. I visualized all of us, happy and peaceful, boarding the plane with smiles. The thought calmed my nervous system. Then the VALET sign caught my attention. I googled Ft. Lauderdale airport Valet, called them up and found out that the price we would pay for parking versus valet was negligible. We tossed the attendant the keys and arrived at the gate with plenty of time.

 

This method works for emergencies, for worries about others, and for my own future as well. Not too far in the distance, my kids will all be off in their own lives. Instead of handwringing about the empty nest, I see this happening:

It is early morning. I tiptoe out to the deck of a beautiful mountain home with my journal and a mug of peppermint tea. The cool air chills my face, carrying with it the sharp scent of juniper berries and sage. Under a soft blanket, I settle in to write and enjoy the sun peeking over the Sangre de Cristo mountains. A day of coaching, writing and learning are the only items on my schedule. I relax into the certainty that everyone I love is safe and happy.

Living in the feelings of this moment gives me a dopamine hit that lasts for hours. And I already own a temperature controlled tea mug that will stay hot in the brisk mountain climate.

 

So, the choice is yours: waiting and worrying or treasuring your amazing future? I choose to be grateful for all the beautiful things I have coming.

Remember, where focus goes, energy flows. Your brain will get busy sorting all the information for your beautiful life, as long as you are doing the work to get there.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving week!

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What are you manifesting? Can you convert worry to treasuring the future? What does it look like?

*Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance. As if that wasn’t enough, a gratitude practice reduces cortisol, makes you more resilient to emotional setbacks and negative experiences. Feeling grateful releases oxytocin, reducing inflammation and lowers blood pressure. It literally rewires the brain to deal with the present with more awareness. 

**Caveat: worry is one thing, an anxiety disorder is another. You can tell the difference because changing your thoughts, as I am suggesting here, will not work for that. The only way to know is to practice it and see what happens. If anxiety persists, it might be time to check in with a licensed mental health professional.

***This assumes the work has been done to make a good outcome possible. There is no sitting on your duff and relying on magical thinking.

Ready to start doing some work on yourself? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

 

 

Do you observe the way other people work then compare and despair?

I do.

My husband can put his nose in a stack of depositions and not look up until he grows stubble.

I, on the other hand, can draft an onboarding contract, spot a bird at the feeder and suddenly I am refreshing their water, watching them squabble over the middle spot, and looking up the Blue Jay’s totem symbol. FYI they are ever-vigilant investigators and like to dabble in a lot of things, gathering tidbits of information as they go. #relatable

Distractions such as this can be managed by discovering our own unique flow and learning about our natural energy cycles.

1. How Do You Take Action?

Knowing this about yourself is key. The Kolbe A Index* doesn’t measure intelligence or personality but rather, it reveals the ways in which you approach a problem when you are free to do it your own way, i.e., your conative style.

 

The data determines where you are in the four action modes: fact finder, follow through, quick start and implementor.

I am a natural fact finder which means at the macro level, I am at my best researching and comparing data. That is why digging into a problem for my Friday Stories lights me up. Same with coaching. I am endlessly curious about what makes people tick. Asking powerful questions helps my clients solve their own problems and it’s awesome to witness.

At the micro level, understanding my style has allowed me to structure my day with a mix of coaching, writing and learning.

For both individuals and teams, I highly recommend taking this assessment. It affirmed that I have special gifts to offer the world in my own particular way.

2. Does Your Schedule Maximize Natural Productivity?

In this society, we are conditioned to believe that if we don’t push ourselves to the limit and maybe even past it, we are doomed. The problem with this plan is that we are humans, not robots.

Good news: we can reject this default setting and learn how to follow the body’s natural energy cycles, i.e. our ultradian rhythms. It is like flowing with the river’s current rather than swimming upstream like a very determined salmon. We are not salmon.

 

What the heck are ultradian rhythms? They are short biological cycles of the human body that occur within a 24-hour period. Research shows that if you spend around 90 minutes focusing deeply on a task and then rest for 20 minutes, you will work more effectively and efficiently.

Free self-assessments are available to help you discover how your own cycles work within that general time-frame.**

Before I knew any of this, I’d multitask the day away. Doing all the things can lower your productivity by as much as 80%.

When I do the 90/20 day, I am able to focus longer because I know I have a break coming. This means less time spent distracted. It is a far more self-compassionate, efficient practice.

3. What’s Fun Got To Do With It?

Ultradian rhythms tell us that humans need periodic breaks. Fitting some regular FUN in there will make time for the magic. Following the natural cycles of work and play, creates space for unexpected synchronicities.

How’s that? In moments of play and fun, you are feeding your SOUL and raising your vibration. This acts as a magnet for all good things. Want some of that? I definitely do.

Like many of us, I got the idea that play and fun were frivolous time wasters. Starting pretty early, academic excellence eclipsed all else. Over time, pursuing goals consumed most of my mental space. I have subconsciously reserved fun for when all the work is done. When I am finally ENOUGH. 

 

The problem with this theory is that we are programmed to think it’s never enough. And if we aren’t practicing joy in ordinary moments, we have a hard time doing it at all, even when we do make the space.

Fun is a practice and the time to master it is NOW.

Also. Humans MUST take breaks regardless of whether we provide for them in our schedules. So instead of fun, we default to distraction (see mindless scrolling).

Is this really what we want from our one wild and precious life?

Just as we stand to gain so much by following our own personal action styles and natural rhythms, we must also honor rituals of rest and joy and reunion. We are heading into the holiday season. It is time to recognize a plateau of production and schedule the enjoyment of life already.

Are you confused about what it means to have fun anymore?

It is a distinctly modern dilemma that many (most?) of us have totally forgotten what fun even is. In our culture, we spend a lot of time thinking about the things that bother us but not much on what brings us joy.

Crazy, right?

Also valid. We live in the upside down world with a horrendous 24 hour news cycle of which I have opted out for my mental health. My own privileged news diet notwithstanding, I needed a re-education when it comes to fun.

 

Author Catherine Price has studied FUN and how to recognize it and cultivate it regularly.

According to Price, genuine fun has three key elements: play, connection and flow.

PLAY: you only have fun when you are being playful and lighthearted. When you feel free.  Doing it just for doing it and not caring about the outcome. Fun has no sense of obligation.

CONNECTION: fun is a special shared experience, unusually connected to your physical environment like nature, or with the particular activity, or even your own body. You could be connecting with another person. You are joined together but you also feel totally yourself. Laughing with someone else is exactly THIS.

FLOW: you are fully engaged in the present experience. You lose track of time with no self-consciousness or judgment. You get lost but you are grounded in the present moment.

Fun is a life-giving force. It generates energy and that is what we live on, simple as that. A life without fun grinds us into dust.

 

If trying to figure out how to have fun feels like pressure, a simple, lighter place to begin is delight. Simply finding a moment of delight takes no effort, only attention. Sharing it with someone who gets your joke will tap into playful connected flow.

By doing this, you are training your brain to find it and bring more of it into your life. It’s stoking the fire of high vibes and it works. I think I’m going to call my skating friend and plan a playdate.

 

CAUTION:

What will derail all these wonderful efforts? Allowing ourselves to default into distraction. Instead of blocking off time to cut loose, we waste the time on an energy drain. Let’s not live in default mode. Intentionality is the only thing that gets us to where we want to go.

When we honor our natural gifts and rhythms and make time for joy and fun, we get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT:  What were three experiences from your past that stood out as true fun? What would you LIKE to do for fun now?

Ready to start doing some work on yourself? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

 

*https://secure.kolbe.com/k2/show_takeIndex/indexType_A

**https://www.kosmotime.com/ultradian-rhythm/

 

 

Many of us have an area of life that desperately needs improvement. But for some mysterious reason, we remain stuck, just wishing we could break through like the Koolaid guy.

This week, I busted down an internal brick wall of my own and it felt like a huge victory. I’ll share what did it in hopes that it will help you get unstuck yourself.

Admin work causes me despair. Onboarding, bookkeeping, and—most irritating of all—tech issues with my website make me feel like #Luhu the cat.

  

Putting it all off bothers me, but what’s worse is the judgment I layer on top of feeling immobilized. Why do I do this?

The only way to figure out the problem is to replace judgment with curiosity. To become interested in learning what lies beneath the pattern.

“Wholeness is not achieved by cutting off a portion of one’s being, but by integration of the contraries.”
-Carl Jung

In my method of coaching, curiosity takes the lead. Liz Kinsella, a fantastic Martha Beck-trained coach, volunteered to do some digging.

She asked if we could talk to the part of me who resists this odious work.*

I close my eyes and an image of my First Grade self appears in  my mind’s eye. She is playing in her childhood friend Kristi’s backyard. It’s after dark and she doesn’t want to go home. She glances back at adult me like, “ugh, leave me alone.” She throws the ball back to Kristi and ignores me.

 

 

Liz asks why my First Grade self hates this stuff so much. 

My little self doesn’t want to talk to me and continues to play with her friend. So I read her thoughts instead. She feels like a little adult, worrying about way too many grown up things. This has caused her to feel sad and tired. She just wants to be a kid. Whenever she becomes aware of yet another adult task, she feels overwhelmed.  

Liz wants to know what my First Grade Self needs from adult me.

She doesn’t want to be in charge of anything. She plays at Kristi’s after dark because she doesn’t want to go home. She feels too much adult responsibility there. She wants to have fun.

As I feel what it is like for her, I cry her weary tears. I tell her she doesn’t have to take care of any more grown up work.

Liz asks where she’d like to go to have fun.

 

 

 

She remembers an afternoon at Roosevelt Park with her three siblings and how free she felt rolling down the grassy hills. I take her back to that wide-open green space, thank her for her hard work and give her a hug beneath the massive oaks. I assure her that I am here to take care of the adult business from now on. She seems relieved. Lighter. Ready to stop worrying and just play.

Later that afternoon, I notice the following:

When I think about all the pending admin, panic does not flair up inside me. First Grade me is now off the hook—she is at the park. I feel more integrated and less reactive.

As I wait in the car for my older son to finish an appointment, I call Godaddy to straighten out my domain issue. I purchased the site on September 5 and mysteriously I am still not the owner. I have called, emailed, and Live Chatted many hours away. I ended all conversations before reaching any resolution, requesting a confirming email that it is done. No such email has arrived.

This time, I stay on the phone. We discuss ICANN policy for transferring domains, security blocks and authorization codes. The conversation continues for the ride home and lasts throughout Taco Tuesday prep. I chop steak and toast shells listening to the dulcet tones of tinny “on hold” music. My blood does not boil. My breath is even, my nervous system is calm. 

 

 

I make a list of technical instructions to provide the current domain owner in Reykjavik through an encrypted email to initiate the third domain push. I request a follow-up ticket.

I thank the agent and say good bye. I eat tacos.

The next morning on my run, I dial Godaddy and opt for no “on hold” music while I enjoy my run listening to silence. I send love to the whole Godaddy organization on the other end for completing the transaction. I feel gratitude in advance.

At 9:51:37 a.m., I receive a notification that I own the domain luckybirdcoaching.com and it has been transferred to my existing Godaddy account. I quietly rejoice.

I now understand why it’s been such a challenge to acquire this website for my coaching business. One of the central tenants of this work is “live it to give it.” Sounds dorky but this was necessary work I needed to do for myself in order to facilitate growth in others. Overcoming internal barriers to get what we want is the whole flippin thing.

The day after I figured out my own block, a client spoke about her inner procrastinator who was getting in the way of her goals. That much younger part of her is now off enjoying herself too, allowing the adult version to get some work done.

When we honor all parts of ourselves, especially the ones who are stuck and unseen, we get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

Writing Prompt: What are you resisting? What can you get curious about instead of judging? What lesson might you need to learn? How can the adult you take charge of the situation?

*This method, called Internal Family Systems, allows you to “stay in Self,”— the part of you that is always steady, not affected by trauma or cultural conditioning—to develop a relationship with each of your parts, and heal them. The key is that the healing comes from you. This means you can do IFS with a coach, a therapist or even on your own. For more info check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOX9_W-1_sU

Ready to start doing some work on yourself? Email me to schedule a complimentary Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

 

 

 

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!