After a hard week, an old friend wandered into my thoughts with that funny saying: “if you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.” I used to have a lot of those friends. Who am I kidding, I have been that friend. Attending a gossipfest is like going on a boozy bender. You know you’re gonna feel bad about yourself afterwards, but screw it,you drink up anyway.
There are worse vices, but indulging in that kind of talk keeps us mired in negativity. That old friend had a particularly vicious streak when it came to the flaws she saw in others. When I became more aware of my own behavior, I got an inkling about why she might be doing this. When we don’t like ourselves enough, we are particularly hard on other people. And when we don’t take care our own needs, we place too great a burden on others. Of course they don’t meet our expectations—no one does.
For some of us, this is a lifestyle. We blame the collective them for everything. I have done this with bosses, friends, my husband, my family of origin. Not even the driver in front of me is safe from what I think he should be doing instead. People are only capable of being exactly who they are, every minute of every day. Accepting this fact leads to a far more peaceful life. I know this for sure and still, I catch myself feeling angry at people for not being my preferred version.
When the gossipy friend came to mind, I took it as a sign that I had gotten stuck in that kind of thinking again: why does everyone suck. It had been a while since I’d taken an all-inclusive trip to expectation station. I hadn’t met my own needs and then looked around for others to blame for not doing it for me. When I’d had enough of how terrible this made me feel, I cleaned my energy and let go of those crappy thoughts.
Pain is a wonderful teacher but hopefully, the day comes when we are sick of feeling meh and disappointed in others. On that magical day, we can choose another way of being in the world. Every one of us has the power to manifest the life we actually want. We can stop being pushed by pain and feel the pull of joy instead.
When it comes to “manifesting,” however, the word has been a bit triggery for me. In the past, I’d accomplish a difficult goal and my mom would say something like, “that’s so great the way you manifested it.” Um, no, I worked for it. I hated the idea of giving “the universe” credit for my labor. But then I stopped resisting the whole idea and learned that it’s about our own energy and what we are drawing into our lives.
Here’s the catch: the only way to be in flow with all the good stuff is to be the space for it. Sounds very hippie kookoo but just go with it for a sec. The clearest explanation of how to BE THE SPACE for your highest potential is available on the November 10, 2021 Super Soul podcast interview of Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith: Manifest the Life of Your Dreams.
Beckwith explains that many of us live in a victim consciousness, wondering why life is just mediocre, no matter what our circumstances. We ask the universe disempowering questions: why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I have anything? Why did they do this to me? But here’s what most of us don’t realize: the universe answers all the disempowering questions we ask it. If you mine your experiences for evidence that the deck is stacked against you, you can assign a negative meaning to your whole life. We go around telling this small story on a loop. Take the first draft of my book, for example. From the school principal harassing me as a first grader to walking in on my boss snorting coke on the top of the toilet seat, I had a million examples of how my life had been unfair. We tell these sad stories until we decide to stop.
To break out of this self-sabotage, we must spend time outside our limited thinking. We create space inside us that is free of those small minded thoughts. Establishing a practice of meditation, gratitude, daily affirmations, visualization, daily prayers—anything that breaks out of the negative thought loop will do it. I personally vouch for meditation. After so many years of it, I realize my difficult experiences have benefitted me greatly. I’ve done other work to change my mindset, but I am convinced meditation opened the space for all the good stuff to come in.
Once you have made a little room in there, it’s time to fill it up with possibilities instead of problems. These higher vibes are critically important because we draw in the vibration we most put out. There is some spooky talk out there about how negative thinking draws bad experiences. There may be a little dot of truth to that but Martha Beck* teaches that positive thoughts are far more powerful than negative ones. She gives the example that an unlit candle in a sunlit room has no ability to dim the light, whereas lighting a candle in a dark room illuminates the whole space.
So, in practical terms what does this shift to a higher vibration look like? First, you change how you talk to yourself. No more I have to do this and I have to do that. Everything you do, you are choosing to do—no one is forcing you. You might have some consequences if say, you decide to forgo feeding your children or cat, but you actually don’t have to do it. Knowing that everything we do is a choice helps us live a more intentional, more powerful, more positive life.
Then, you change what you are saying about your life to others. Rather than complaining about the difficulty, you focus on what you are going to do about it. You talk to your friends about the new approach you plan to take with a problem. And if you are still in the kvetchy stage, give yourself some grace. You will move on when you are ready and not a moment before.
Beckwith suggests asking the universe empowering questions instead. I took this theory out for a run a couple times this week. After I’d gotten a little distance from my house where I don’t know the neighbors, I threw up my hands and told the big blue sky, “I AM OPEN TO WHATEVER YA GOT.” As I ran, I asked the universe: what if all my needs were met? What if all my challenges have lead me to my greatest potential? A lightness and a sense of excitement filled my spirit. I was the smiliest weirdo out there at 6:30 a.m.
When you fill your mind with the possibilities, inertia will go towards them. What we focus on, we get more of. Every good teacher has said some version of this. Dr. Beckwith suggests we keep the possibilities in our mind and on our lips. Talk to select friends, even talk to the potential, talk to abundance, talk to prosperity. If you do that enough, you begin to talk from it.
And for those of us who are currently in a hard place, he provides some guidance too. The best question to ask is: if these circumstances were to last forever, what quality would need to emerge to have peace of mind? He believes that if you focus on that powerful quality rather than the suffering, you move through it faster.
When you create a space for your own unfolding and then surrender to what is for you, you get the sense that it’s going to be far better than okay. The possibilities are beyond imagination.
Love,
Elizabeth
WRITING PROMPT: Do you notice when you are vibrating high or low? How do you switch it up?
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*Martha Beck’s November 18, 2021 Podcast The Gathering Pod pairs nicely with Dr. Beckwith and Oprah’s conversation.
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Elizabeth Heise