Since TODAY is my birthday, I’ll ask my questions up front: how do you feel when your birthday rolls around? Has it changed over time? Mine sure has.*
My problem with birthdays has had nothing to do with wrinkles, getting “old,” or any of the usual crap people fret over. It started early—way before those concerns would have applied to me. In my family of origin, I was the outspoken kid, ticking off my list of needs without reservation. But there were four of us. When I unfurled a scroll of requirements, the weary look on my mother’s face told me I was too much. When she left, I stuffed those needs all the way own into my big toe.
In my adult life, the feeling of too muchness has crept in during the days ahead of my birthday each year, registering as a hollow ache. I dreaded the one day a year I was forced to confront my unmet need to be singled out as special. It has always felt childish to me so I never shared this with anyone, just attempted to quietly deal with it on my own. The task to fulfill this demand has resulted in the most unfun, unfestive pressure you can imagine. Knowing it was an ancient wound didn’t mitigate the damage.
I’ve tried to meet the need for the right kind of celebration and the perfect gift in all the ways. It sounds so awful and spoiled, now you know why I never told anyone! I’ve attempted to slay this beast with a big gathering out at a restaurant, a spa day with a pal, even a big party once. I found a way to ruin them all without indicating to any party goers that this was going on in my head. At the table full of friends, I obsessed over the mix of groups and forcing them all to engage in my most hated form of communication: small talk. The guilt! The amount of work I had to do for the big party had me wallowing in self pity as I hung red lanterns up on a ladder in my living room—barfily pregnant—for my Chinese-themed fete. I finally gave up and tried to spend it alone, asking my husband for a day free of all humans. That way I would be prevented from expecting anything from anyone and avoid the inevitable disappointment. That one resulted in crushing invisibility: my worst idea yet. I couldn’t soothe the annual ache, no matter how I tried.
When you carry around old pain from the past, people in your life find themselves fighting your demons with a blindfold and both hands tied behind their back. The battle is lost no matter what. Even my former therapist joked that I required a “cake, card and coronation” to enjoy my birthday. Show of hands whose had a coronation thrown in their honor. That’s what I thought.
So what finally filled this bottomless pit? It had nothing to do with cake or parties or anything external from anyone. We never get enough of what we don’t want.** I finally figured out how to give myself the gifts I so desperately needed to feel whole. I went to work on my mindset and examined the story I told myself about who I am. It worked. I now expect nothing but the air I breathe. No pressure on anyone, not even me. FOR REAL. I have cultivated a garden of these precious blooms:
- Saying NO to the rest of the world is a YES to myself. I am living so much more of my life in the present moment where there is no regret for the road not traveled or anxiety about the future. Right here is where the peace is and I am finally enjoying it.
- I accept myself and others for where we are right this minute. Before I began questioning my thinking, I spent all day every day judging people and situations right and wrong. We all do it. It’s how we learned to survive as a species—is this plant good or bad to eat? Is this animal friendly or dangerous?Neuroscience has taught us that the survival brain is useful but it’s no place to hang out all the time if we want to connect with other people, with our own creativity or access our personal potential. Right brain living is my jam and now I know how to get there. Meditation, breath work, cleaning my energy and sending love to everyone who needs it from the unlimited supply of the universe. If that sounds kooky to you, try it sometime. And I always reserve a heaping helping of pink love energy for myself.
- I have learned to speak from the heart, share truth with compassion (the majority of the time). I am not afraid of revealing who I really am. It wasn’t so long ago that I was a lawyer paying cash at therapy to avoid insurance records of mental health counseling. I’d sneak out of my building and drive twenty-five minutes to Broward, leaving the office for ninety-five minutes. I ate at my desk most of the other days. My secretary probably thought I had taken a lover. I now share my life unreservedly. I can’t care what anyone else thinks.
- I no longer feel guilty. In years past, when my eyes popped open in the morning, I did a gut check for what I had regretted saying or doing. Instead of my morning cup of dread, I wake up excited for the day (4:08 a.m. today, people!). A dear friend talked about how she’s found freedom from being ‘the pleaser’ by listening to her own voice for the first time in her life instead of projecting other’s opinions onto her decisions. Her intuition has rewarded her by becoming LOUD and CLEAR. How freaking great is that?!
- I can apologize to my children and own up to what I did wrong. That is so huge and has changed everything. I would have killed to enjoy that kind of empathy, but clearly I got what I needed. It lead me here to this beautiful life. The work I have done took time. Luckily, I did it before every last bird had left the nest. (All thanks to Byron Katie and her foot soldier Melanie).
- I have stopped being critical of my appearance. I remember when I had just finished undergrad and hitched a ride up from Santa Barbara to Sebastopol where my mother lived. I had plans to leave the country and needed to stow some things at her place. When I hoisted a box out of my friend’s trunk, a graduation photo fluttered to the pavement. My mother picked it up and considered it. She complimented me. I’m too embarrassed to repeat her words. Until then, I didn’t know she thought I was pretty and I certainly didn’t feel it. I only started to really see myself when I began to override that critical voice who picked me apart so quietly and systematically. That voice is now silent because I made the sweet voice MUCH louder.
- I am an equal in my home and marriage. From the moment I stepped into Mark’s professionally decorated Coral Gables home as a law student with garage sale couches back at my apartment, I felt like a charity case and considered avoiding him all together. I didn’t want to merge my identity with someone already established. I didn’t want to disappear myself. All these years later, I finally realized that his accomplishments don’t make him better than me. He’s lucky to have found ME too. I have learned that if I feel resentful, it is about an unmet need of my own, not about him. Those thoughts don’t serve me. I question them and let them go. I am no longer the source of my own misery and I don’t give other people that role in my life either. I stand guard at the gate of my mind. Plus, I have one more degree than Mark, so. 😉
- I have found my true voice and share it with the world. Thank you. I love you, dear reader.
- I have stopped emotional eating and feel so much better. The insatiable need for something outside myself drove my stress-snacking at night. Feeding my soul satisfied my hunger for brownies. Who knew?
- I no longer feel the need to be sure about everything. I change my mind. I realize there is no such thing as knowing something for sure. We have our theories, but for the first time ever, I hold my beliefs lightly. (Therapy taught me that.) I have so much to learn and I am here for it.
Honestly, the list is endless. These are just my top ten. Thanks for coming to my celebration. I look forward to 52 more years of growth and expansion and you are invited.
When you take stock of how far you’ve come, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Love, Elizabeth
WRITING PROMPT: how do you feel about getting older? What are the gifts it has brought you? Thanks for showing up to my birthday story and happy birthday to YOU the next time around!
*Let me preface this piece with an acknowledgment that even having this discussion is a tremendous privilege during these insane times. I could say that about every piece I’ve written in this space over the last year, I suppose. It just dawned on me to bring it up because this is so focused on ME today and I feel self-conscious about how lucky I am to even give attention to this topic.
**My friend Gabi reminded me of this Wayne Dyer quote this week, thanks mama!
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