I’m not a mean person—unless you’ve lived inside my head. Just recently, I’ve become more aware of my negative self-talk. I can’t unhear it now. Something interesting has happened as a result.
My own inner dialogue has always been pretty brutal. As I sit here writing, my tight jeans causing a muffin top, I’m reminded of Lizzo’s* recent Instagram post. “Thank you,” she tells her ample belly, which she has recently begun talking to in the sweetest terms. She speaks directly to her reflection in the bathroom mirror, promising her voluptuous body, “I am going to listen to you. I love you for keeping me healthy and alive, you deserve all the space in the world.”
The silent conversations I’ve had with my own body are the opposite of Lizzo’s. Oof. Boy does your butt look big in those jeans. Even noticing that voice took effort—it’s been the white noise of my life. A few concerned friends have mentioned it recently when it reared its mean little head in my stories. I realize it doesn’t serve me, but I didn’t know quite how destructive it can be until now. That toxic chatter has got to go.
Theoretically, I know it’s possible to change it. Spiritual leader, Eckhart Tolle, explains that we are not our thoughts, we are the awareness behind our thoughts. That’s pretty deep but if you think about it, it explains how meditation works. We let go of the thoughts, observing them as they float away. Only our awareness remains. Thoughts exist on a surface level so we really can choose another one that suits us better. All it takes is pausing to notice the ones we default to—if we don’t like them, we can replace them.
There are logical reasons why many of us default to a critical inner dialogue. Some of it can be attributed to negative messages in childhood which we then adopted as our own. But all of humanity is hard-wired to look for what’s wrong. Evolution prioritized survival over happiness—we had to avoid that tiger in the bushes. The brain does this automatically. The only way to customize our brain’s default setting is to interrupt the pattern and supply better messages on purpose. Now that we aren’t in danger of being eaten if we walk outside, we no longer need the default to fear and negativity. Mindfulness, the practice of observing our mind’s activity, helps us examine our thoughts. By first noticing our thought patterns, we can develop a capacity to self-regulate in a more loving and productive manner.
Negative self-talk does keep us in check in some respects, i.e. that cheese is going to hurt your stomach, Elizabeth—but mostly it’s damaging. It decreases motivation and makes us feel stuck. Relentless flagellation creates a world where our goals are out of reach. We tell ourselves that we are just not up to the task. These thoughts can cause stress and depression. When we constantly focus on our failures, it limits our ability to recognize opportunities that may be right in front of us. When we put ourselves down, we begin to believe it.
This kind of thinking doesn’t just affect our relationship with ourselves. Negative self-talk manifests in our relationships with other people. Self-criticism becomes everyone-criticism. No one wants to feel hen-pecked. (Sorry honey.) Those of us with kids have modeled a critical eye. I remember my mom’s constant refrain in front of the mirror as little me looked on, does my butt look big in this? It stuck. I vowed not to do it with my own kids, but thoughts are matter. I’d be fooling myself if I didn’t think repeating mean things in my head didn’t generate negative energy that affects everyone around me. As parents, the last thing we want is to burden our children with our own limiting beliefs. That’s even greater motivation to put ours in check.
So, having learned how damaging this is, I finally got to work. As I transitioned the negative content of my thoughts, conversations with myself were pretty awkward for a while. Washing my face at night, I’d notice my prominent nose and a stray zit and say, “you’re a sweet friend and a fun person.” Yes, I did tell myself I HAD A GOOD PERSONALITY. Obviously this takes some practice. You are beautiful. See how easy that is?
Now when I look in the mirror, I listen closely for the judgment. When I procrastinate, the finger-wagging voice starts in. As soon as I feel it coming, I scramble for an alternative. The thoughts went from you actually look pretty good to editing out the word actually because I’m not trying to back hand compliment myself. Sometimes I even spoke out loud when the critical voice in my head persisted. Each time I defaulted to something negative, I chose another thought. Criticism of my appearance transformed into gratitude for my body for providing a healthy home for my soul and taking me everywhere I want to go. Negative self-talk about wasting time became a quiet thank you for a few minutes to clear my head.
In the past, when my mind was at rest, I typically used the time to reflect on feelings of regret for how I handled something or worry about my kids. Instead of allowing the usual garbage to take over, I filled the head space with I AM statements. ‘I am’ is a creation. Each time we say I AM, our brain becomes programmed** to make it true for us. I AM loved, I AM whole, I AM fulfilled. I AM. I AM. I AM. When we say who we are, our mind believes us and gets to work sorting information to make it so. That’s why it’s so important to choose our language wisely.
Research on positive self-talk shows that it is the greatest predictor of success when compared with other types of inner dialogue (instructional, motivational, positive and negative). Building ourselves up isn’t silly nonsense as pop culture might suggest, it is giving ourselves a chance to reach our full potential. https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-self-talk-and-how-it-affects-us-4161304
So how do we stop that rude voice inside? First, we take the time to notice when we are saying things that we wouldn’t say to a child or a good friend. Once we see the pattern, we will want to break it. It just feels bad to continue doing it once you become keenly aware of it. In the moment, we can change the negative thought to a positive one. We go from my thighs are enormous to thank you for being so strong.
And what happens as a result of rehabbing that mean voice? For myself, a lightness filled that space where the cold critic used to hang out. When I switched from relentless criticism to real complements, I felt myself beam from the inside out. I smiled—and not the tight smile at the end of an agree to disagree conversation. I lit up like a kid who had never heard a negative word about her cute little self from anyone. I felt magnificent. Brand new even. I can’t wait to see what happens next!
When we feed our minds good thoughts about ourselves, we are rewarded with the deep sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Love,
Elizabeth
WRITING PROMPT: Are you aware of your inner dialogue? How do you think it has affected how you feel about your life?
*Lizzo is an extremely cool, body positive singer/rapper who I definitely would not know but for the teenagers in my home. The 70’s station plays pretty exclusively but when I’m feeling festive, I’ll toss in some eighties and maybe even a little 90’s grunge.
**The Reticular Activating System in the brain is quite powerful. If you havent heard of it, google it!
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