On Sunday night before the end of winter break, I helped my youngest look for his lost computer. He’d just received it as a gift. Odd thing was, I couldn’t find the old one either. For the rest of our final holiday night, I tossed the house like the FBI—no luck getting the family to join me. By 10:30 pm, we’d blown our new year’s resolution for lights out at 10:00 pm. When the hunt brought me to the bedrooms, not a trace of the restful vacation remained. How are things constantly going missing around here? Am I going insane? I reported the bad news to Mark as he entered the room.
“How’s he going to manage hybrid learning with no computer?” I asked.
“I know where the old one is,” he said and pulled it from his sock drawer. “Oh yeah, I have the new one too.” He handed over the unprogrammed laptop he’d kept buried for the last week in a forgotten effort to control screen time.
I threw a verbal jab, straight from the shoulder.
“Thanks for wasting my entire evening,” I said.
“I was busy doing something for you, so you’re welcome, ingrate.”
During our confinement, this tone is not uncommon. The way it typically ends is with an apology of Mark’s that contains a number of “I’m sorry you…” statements, suggesting my oversensitivity is the problem. I get very judgy with the language, even though my own apologies aren’t much better. We’ve been forced to turn to the experts: Brene Brown’s podcast on the art of apology https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/unlocking-us-with-brené-brown/id1494350511?i=1000473726266 (it’s a two parter) and Glennon Doyle’s instructional video on listening https://www.instagram.com/tv/CADH2RCHUny/ . Covid Times togetherness tests our communication skills daily. The results are mixed but the marriage has held, as of this writing.
My son and I set up the computer and the kids finally went to bed.
That night, Mark and I began the first step in our New Year’s mulligan. He had recently suggested some relationship improvement strategies that got lost in holiday prep and exhaustion. Our three kids are night owls. The later it gets, the less time we have for each other. In the last few months, I have felt like our time together is siphoned off of what I require just for me. Because the pandemic has erased boundaries and melted time, getting our own needs met has been more like triage. The mental shift that would be benefit me greatly is that the time investment IS for me. I realize intellectually, that the more connected I am in my relationship, the more supported and loved I feel. That’s hard to remember when I face a day full of interruptions and just want to scream.
So, for those of you playing along, this is what’s going down for our 2021 reset.
- Set daily intentions with each other. Today mine was: “I will take a deep breath when I feel frustrated.” I typically get up before Mark to go write my morning pages so if we can catch each other, we seal our intention with a good hug (Mark’s idea). If not, a text still counts. This is the first one we forget about, so it’s also a calendar reminder.
- We each take 100% responsibility. Before Covid Times, we had a strong connection, some of which was attributed to a few changes I had suggested a while back. One evening while reflecting on it, Mark said, “I love what you’ve done with our relationship.” Instead of feeling proud and happy, I was like TF? I carry all the emotional labor for our family and now I’m responsible for US too?! So I stopped reminding him to do all the things. Being vulnerable and connected is also a risk so when I see a door out, sometimes I use it. This time around, we have both vowed to take ALL the responsibility and, when we are feeling off, ask ourselves the question, “what AM I giving?”
- Appreciate ourselves first, every day. One of our main gripes with each other is feeling taken for granted. Most of this stems from our own deficits that have nothing to do with the other person. It goes back to being raised with more indifference than unconditional love for the cute and awesome kids we both were. So we need to heal that part of ourselves by celebrating the bejesus out of our own accomplishments. I high-five myself often. I put a list of my 2020 accomplishments on Instagram particularly because it was SO UNLIKE me. I felt so self-conscious doing it in the midst of such an awful year for so many but I needed to let this little light o’ mine SHINE SHINE SHINE.
- End the day in gratitude. We have a white board and marker next to the bed that, once we’ve settled in for the night, we take turns listing 3 things we are grateful for about the other person that day. Over the last few months, the white board has sat untouched. But it’s back and more dry erasey than ever. We do it not just for the warm fuzzies but also for science—this exercise trains the brain to look for the good in each other instead of the flaws. I know it works because I thank the trees every morning for oxygen. After doing that for so long, I could sit and admire a beautiful tree the whole damn day. If I can appreciate a freaking tree, I can appreciate my darling husband.
- Five positive messages to one negative. I heard of a study about how happy couples maintain this ratio. We are new to this practice, which makes it kind of hilarious. If anyone has anything mean to say to the other person, it has to come at the end of five compliments. Here’s an example from Sunday: “I didn’t like that you splattered soup on my purse and dumped Christmas tree water on my flip flops, but don’t you look handsome today? And thank you for cleaning the barbecue and booking our tickets. I also appreciate how you did the grocery shopping and then came home and made dinner.” Putting the other mess in context worked. Turns out, he’s actually a hero. Word to the wise though: it’s best to get the five in before you need to say the thing.
- State of the Relationship Talk. This one went from Friday to Sunday to no day, but it’s back. The amazing thing about a 25 year old relationship is that we can reinvent it anytime. With the promise of a new day, we can wake up and decide we are going to be the best partners ever. There is clearly no magic formula, but the net effect of all this is simple. Two overwhelmed people take some time to focus on each other, mostly the good in each other, on a regular basis.
We are much better together when we do this stuff consistently. When all else fails, humor is our safety net. If you sprinkle a little bit of funny into the not so funny at all, you get the feeling that it’s all going to be ok.
Love,
Elizabeth
Writing Prompt: What keeps your relationship healthy? And/or what keeps your relationship with yourself healthy?