Confessions of a People Pleaser

Confessions of a people pleaser. (Don’t hate me.)

Two recent incidents brought into stark relief why I detest this behavior in myself so much. Please note that I feel tremendous guilt over discussing this—it involves people I care about and who I want to like me (i.e., everyone). Also the culture expects us, women especially, to place everyone else’s happiness above our own. But I can no longer abide my insipid smiling and nodding. And I know that so many of us struggle with this sh!t, so I will take one for the team and just say it already. Being a people pleaser is some Stepford BS. The only way to stop it is to yank it out at the root.

What’s the root?

That’s an easy one. Mom left when I was young. Easy math for that outspoke little girl. Expressing my needs rendered me dangerously leavable. In every relationship since then, I’ve played the part of temporary employee trying to prove myself, concerned that if I push back on something that’s not okay with me, I will be rejected.

Jeez, what brought this on?

Two separate get-togethers I’d so looked forward to went off the rails. The plan was to spend time with friends in meaningful conversation, deepening our connections. Instead, I sat on the receiving end of a one-sided torrent of complaints about other people, wrapped in stories I had already heard a time or two.* The mutually rewarding experience I had anticipated existed only in my imagination.

So what did you do about it?

I made feeble attempts to steer the conversation into more tolerable territory, to no avail. Afterwards, I was pissed. I had taken valuable time away from all the other stuff I had going on, for this? I told myself I had been ambushed and it was not my fault. The second time it happened in as many weeks pointed to the real culprit and it wasn’t my friends.

How is blaming yourself helpful?

It’s not so much the need to place blame as it is to take responsibility for my own choices. I have learned that when I react negatively to someone, I am responding to something inside myself. So I Byron Katie’d into a better understanding of what was going on.**

How did you take responsibility?

I was pissed at how my friends had treated me. In reality, I was angry for myself for signing up for it. I am the one responsible for making sure my needs are met. The porous boundaries were my own. Each friend had wanted to vent, and there I was, smiling and nodding. What did I expect? If I was being really honest with myself, I had an inkling when I made the plans that this was how it might go down. The need for real connection that I had ignored was my own.

It seems to have struck quite a nerve—what’s the big deal?

The reason I experienced these conversations as so odious is that I used to do this sort of thing all the time. I b!tched nonstop about my parents’ failures, sacrificing my career for my family, my husband’s inability to pick up on how to make me happy, the number of organizations that had demanded so much of my time. I had spent the better part of my life playing the greatest hits of my victim story.

How did you stop being so freaking toxic?

It has taken a few years for me to pull myself out of the negativity spiral I had allowed to dominate my thinking. To stop blaming other people for what was wrong with my life. With clear intentions and hard work, I have changed my mindset. I feel good. When I hear someone else’s incessant complaining, the inner cringe now serves as a wake up call. That’s what it looks like when you live as if you aren’t responsible for your own life. It is always 100% our responsibility. And there is always a choice.

How do you know others struggle with this too?

I’m still clueless about what to say when someone hijacks a conversation in this way and I know I am not the only one. One of the book clubs I’d once been a part of ended because none of us knew how to stop one of the members from bellyaching long enough for us to discuss the book. Another group of friends routinely leaves one person out because no one will stop her from dominating the evening with her laundry list of gripes. From my vantage point, people pleasing has reached epidemic proportions. Maybe we all have to practice setting boundaries in the mirror.

So what’s the plan Sam?

I’m ready to establish healthy boundaries. I really do want real connections. I know I can prioritize my needs AND also care about other people. Most of all, I need to realize that I deserve to have a happy life. I don’t need to feel guilty about it and then make plans with people who are guaranteed to rain on my parade.

That little girl in me showed up with her worth and it never left her.

When we know our worth and maintain healthy boundaries, we get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: so, what’s your deal with people pleasing?

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*At this point, you may be wondering whether I am the kind of friend who has the ability to hold space for someone going through a hard time. The answer is yes. I may even be pretty good at it. These were not conversations. I could have been a tree stump in both scenarios.

**I do the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet A LOT. Whenever I am upset with someone, I have some work to do on myself, without exception. I wrote about it a few months back: https://elizabethheise.com/come-home-to-yourself/https://elizabethheise.com/come-home-to-yourself/ The worksheet can be found at thework.com.