For a while, I have been in fixer-mode with one of my kids. It has intensified lately. At high stress times, I tend to dissociate. Yesterday, I drove off with the gas pump still plugged into my tank.* My son Snapchatted it.
Each night this week, I’ve sprawled on the couch with Emily in Paris and a sugary snack for a companion. Old coping mechanisms die hard. With a pink box of fancy macarons from the freezer, I transported myself back to the Fall of 2019: a trip to Paris in the Before Times. Before my children’s world closed in and healthy developmental stages froze in amber.
Life from the Netflix position stagnates quickly, however. I eventually mobilized. So much of parenting has forced me to examine where my own dysregulation has caused problems. Being a parent is an emotional and spiritual practice, to say the least.
One particular expert has spoken to me for this leg of the journey: Dr. Shefali Tsabary who teaches Conscious Parenting. And also how to live with more ease and joy in general. On a podcast a while back, I recall her saying, “every parent should have at least one bad kid.” She didn’t mean it how it sounds. Rather, that to parent a child unwilling to conform to societal expectations is a huge growth opportunity. I am the mother of someone who isn’t compelled to change one hair on his head to please others. It’s equal parts amazing and terrifying.
I broke from Emily making out with the hot downstairs neighbor for a webinar with Dr. Shefali. In it, she explores a few common problems that plague most of our homes: screen addiction, lack of motivation, disrespect, and lying.
While I listened, I became convinced that the principles required to properly care for children are the same ones we need to mindfully govern ourselves. For this reason, I will share what I learned with all of you, parents and child-free humans alike.
First, Dr. Shefali recognizes the insane expectations we are subject to in modern life. We were meant to live in community, connected to nature, interdependent on others. Instead we have opted for consumerist individualism which has resulted in our being alone more than ever. The cultural pressure to achieve, comparison with others and the endless quest for eternal youth is crazy-making. Add to that the expectation to raise the perfect kid and you have a society set up for anxiety, depression and shame.
The good news is that we can make choices to mitigate the damage. Maintaining open curiosity is key. We can be present and in flow with what happens around us. There is no predicting outcomes. The only question is, am I doing my best to be here now and show up with the highest level of consciousness that I can for my kid? For myself?
The bad news is that your unhealed self is the greatest obstacle.
According to Dr. Shefali, all problems with our children, (and inner-child, it seems to me) stem from one of three things:
- disconnection;
- lack of proper boundaries; and
- not having the skills to deal with the issue. (She didn’t spend much time on this other than to say, invest in a coach or barter with someone who knows how to do the thing you don’t.)
Screen addiction tops the list of challenges and by now, we know why. Genius programmers have manipulated us to get our real human needs met online rather than in person. They have mastered the 5 biggies: the need to feel seen, safe, successful, soothed and significant. Scrolling, gaming or binge-watching is a feel-good hack available around the clock. Sneaky algorithms supply a dopamine hit rendering the ability to self-regulate exceedingly difficult in adults and impossible in children. Inside the virtual world, there are no real life problems or difficult relationships. There is always something exciting to do. And if any of it makes us feel bad: DELETE.
To combat the addiction takes an increase in real human connection, with each other and with our kids. To be better connected with your child, engage in activities important to them which helps them feel just as successful as they do winning their game of choice online in a virtual world.
Uncomfortable boundary setting around screens is necessary, however, and we parents hate it. Turning off WiFi, having screen free zones in the house, time limits and common charging stations are basic boundaries for healthy screen habits. In our house, we struggle with all of these, except turning off the WiFi. But then we have to bar the door because you can get a signal right outside.**
The second most common problem in kids is a lack of motivation. Having so much convenience all around us has stripped away a lot of our natural drive. Hello dishwasher, Amazon, Uber Eats. But it’s not just that. Early pressure to achieve, too much parental control and unrealistic, high academic expectations have robbed children of their autonomy, causing them to shut down. Parents are urged to have compassion and to cut kids some slack. The only way to motivate children is through their own empowerment. My older daughter is a great example of this. I put too much early pressure on her but then gave her total autonomy throughout high school. It helped. Of course, she had earned it with our trust.
Regardless of academic achievement, parents can help our kids reconnect to their innate talents. Feeling successful in other areas helps maintain self-esteem. When we have compassion for our child and stay aligned with them, they feel supported and connected. In our house the family room piano provides a boost. As does a perfect kick-flip off a staircase.
Children do better in a relaxed atmosphere. Especially in sports. If they get the sense that our approval hinges on their performance, it breaks connection and lowers their self-esteem. The fact that they are participating is enough and that we are present to see them do it. The rest is not our business.
When children lie, Dr. Shefali says it’s because they don’t feel safe enough with us to make mistakes. Overly rigid, perfectionistic parents who have overreacted create a fear of disappointment. We have pressured and shamed them to be perfect. We need to be on their side instead of thinking our kid is the out of control one who needs to be fixed.
What is the solution to lying? Connect, connect, connect. Praise the child for telling the truth, be a safe person to confide in. The self-esteem of the child goes up if they are not afraid to tell us things. Too much parental control decreases the child’s own power, control and worth. In my home, Mark and I have shared some of our own major screw ups with our kids so they generally don’t lie. I probably shouldn’t have been so open about my own teenage drug experimentation, however. That gets into tricky territory sending a message that experimenting is okay which was not my intention.
Disrespect is another bigee. When a child is disrespectful, it stems from a lack of regulation which may be caused by a few different factors. A reverse hierarchy results when the child is in control and feels entitled to their own rules. The parent acts as a “fixer,” trying to fix their own lack of love, their own self-esteem. They are afraid of losing connection. Now she was talking to me. Putting up a healthy boundary is a simple tool for this. The response to, “get out my room,” is “I see that you are stressed. This treatment doesn’t work for me. I will be back later.” I’m gonna try that.
Disrespect could also stem from controlling the child too much. They don’t feel seen and lash out. They can also be copying your own dysregulation. When a parent loses it, this traumatizes the child and strongly imprints on them. (This is me too.) The only way to help your child is with your own calm, self-regulation.
What is the solution? Connection. Healthy boundaries. You don’t have to engage. Teach your child how to manage emotions by managing your own. If you have to yell to get the child to do anything, it’s because you yell. They are waiting for it to escalate to move their butts. Kids need your physical presence. They need you not to react. They need you to be easy going. Simple, right? 🙂
Dr. Shifali’s underlying message was this: be a safe haven for your child. Be present. Trust your kid. Express interest in what lights them up. Do not judge their outcomes. And above all, heal your own wounds so that they don’t have to fight your demons along with their own.
Lessons for all of us: seek being seen, safe, successful, soothed and significant out in the world, in nature and maybe even with people instead of technology. Don’t put pressure on outcomes. Take risks. And don’t BS yourself with stories about what is going on. Stay open, curious, and present.
When you focus on your own self-regulation, you create a safe space for yourself and others. We then get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Love,
Elizabeth
WRITING PROMPT: How well do you regulate your emotions? Does it bear any resemblance to the ways in which your parents self-regulated? How have you made progress?
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*This is not my car, thank goodness. Only a Snapchat video narrated by my son’s laughter remains, along with the bill. I dragged the hose away and it popped off at the spot where it connected to the big box. Given how many photos exist on the net of this very scene, gas stations have likely upgraded to a quick release to guard against distracted people like myself.
**She spoke about a new phenomena Hikikomori, a Japanese word for total withdrawal from society, seeking extreme degrees os social isolation and confinement. Estimates suggest that half a million Japanese young people have become social recluses as well as more than half a million middle-aged individuals. Technology is seen as the catalyst. This is scary. It happens gradually so if you see signs of withdrawal, treat it as a huge RED FLAG and seek therapy.