Despite the challenges, we made it! 2020 is finally behind us.
But with a year of so much change, New Year’s resolutions seem a bit extra, don’t they? I’m still on the fence about holiday cards, even at this late date. On my current timetable, I’ll make resolutions sometime around February.
Traditionally, I like to get my failures out of the way early, so I set resolutions each year and break them by the crack of noon on January 1. They usually target my diet, staying organized and getting better sleep. In my defense, that’s not unusual—those well-worn neural pathways fight hard against change. I promise myself it will be different and a few hours later I am foraging for carbs and going down a time-wasting rabbit hole, as usual.
Luckily, I know people who have figured out how to motivate themselves without the disheartening detours. My good buddy Katie* sent me her resource for answering the question, How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want? https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com. I hadn’t taken a quiz since around 1987 when I leafed through my last issue of Cosmo, but I was willing to keep an open mind because Katie vouched for it. Plus, Gretchen Rubin’s credentials intrigued me. She’s a Yale trained lawyer who clerked for a Supreme Court Justice and then decided to leave the law to focus on personal growth. Her best-selling book, The Happiness Project, explores the magical formula to a joyful and fulfilled life. She’s not a mental health professional which has drawn some criticism. It’s likely she’s not aware of her critics because she insulates herself from “negativity bias,” according to a snarky Washington Post article. Doing what she wants and ignoring the haters? I’ll have what she’s having.
Side note: self-help books annoy me. Usually the person insisting I need to read fill-in-the-blank book is in no position to dispense advice of any kind. The one exception is when the recommender is someone who does life well. Katie-check. Gretchen-check.
Gretchen’s personal inventory determines how we respond to expectations. Commitments to others are the “outer expectations.” The “inner expectations” are the promises we make to ourselves. How we meet these two types of expectations determines our “tendency.” Apparently, I have a shit attitude when it comes to keeping commitments when only I stand to benefit. The example Gretchen uses is the dreaded New Year’s resolution.
Here’s how each tendency responds to expectations:
Upholder: “I do what others expect of me—and what I expect from myself.” (This is Katie.)
Questioner: “I do what I think is best, according to my judgment. If it doesn’t make sense, I won’t do it.”
Obliger: “I do what I have to do. I don’t want to let others down, but I may let myself down.” (Me.)
Rebel: “I do what I want, in my own way. If you try to make me do something—even if I try to make myself do something—I’m less likely to do it.”
Once you are aware of how you respond to expectations, you have a formula for self-motivation. As for dealing with people of other tendencies, this is how to motivate each of them:
•Upholders want to know what should be done.
•Questioners want justifications.
•Obligers need somebody to answer to.
•Rebels want freedom to do it their own way.
I forced the family to take the quiz. We have 2 Rebels and 3 Obligers. We Obligers are motivated by external accountability. Outside demands and deadlines get us moving–we go to great lengths to meet our responsibilities. Our need to do things for others is so deeply ingrained that we need external accountability even for stuff we want to do!
Obligers make great colleagues and leaders…until we DON’T because of something called “Obliger-rebellion.” We have trouble setting limits and saying no, so all of a sudden we snap and quit cold turkey. Obligers don’t do a slow fade. (I’ve totally done this.)
According to Gretchen, to have a prayer of changing habits permanently, I have to be accountable to someone else. Thinking back, I’ve experienced this a lot throughout my life. When I first met my husband and we began traveling together, he’d go unpack his suitcase right away, placing everything neatly in the drawers, stowing toiletries, everything. My habit was to live out of a suitcase. I didn’t want him to think I was uncivilized, so I put my stuff away, same as him. Over the years, it’s become a habit and now when I go anywhere, with or without him, I unpack first.
So, the only way I am going to stop snacking at night or keep to my schedule is to get a pair of eyes on me. I had find a buddy Obliger. My friend Erica immediately sprung to mind. She would sooner give you the shirt off her back and parade naked through the streets than say no to someone who asked for her help. She would be amazing at this.
Erica was into it. Sticking to her exercise routine and making progress on a professional development course had been tricky. Her quiz came back as suspected: Obliger.
“How are we going to make sure we tell each other the truth about what we did?” She asked.
We are both such hard core Obligers that if it turned out we sucked at this, she was concerned we’d just lie to avoid letting the other person down.
“You’re right. We’re liars. Let’s send evidence.”
So now I text Erica a picture of any snacks past 8:00 pm, a screenshot of my bedtime and, as soon as the holiday free-for-all is over, I’ll send a shot of my daily paper calendar with tasks checked off. The above photo suggests I ate the whole bag. The chocolates were stolen from Mark’s stocking but I only had ONE, I swear. I wanted more but then I thought Erica might feel sorry for me for having no self control and I couldn’t do that to her. (Finally, my codependence has been put to work!)
The reason this technique appeals to me is threefold. One, I had always believed I let myself down due to low self-esteem which made me feel worse. Gretchen believes the behavior is better explained by my need for accountability. Now I don’t have to feel bad about myself in addition to the shame for snacking and procrastinating.
Two, pairing up with Erica comes with the side benefit of keeping in closer touch with her, which I love. “People are much more likely to make changes when new behaviors are associated with positive emotions.” https://healthtransformer.co/the-neuroscience-of-behavior-change-bcb567fa83c1
Third: it’s a fact that progress equals happiness. The small changes I am making are already helping me feel like I am actively improving my life. A small shift can have a tremendous emotional impact.
How will my resolutions turn out? Only time will tell but this year, I have a decent chance. When we spend time figuring ourselves out, we are left with the sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Good luck to us all!!
Love,
Elizabeth
PS. What is your tendency? What do you need to do to motivate yourself?
*Katie earned a Mr. T quantity of medals after the 2018 Disney Dopey Challenge: a 5K, 10K, half-marathon and full 26.2 in four days. No bigee.