If I have learned nothing else in 2023, it has been that I can’t ask for anything in a relationship that I am unwilling or unable to do myself.
Here’s what I mean.
As a result of sweeping changes in my life, the chess pieces have been tossed high in air. No telling where they will land. Obviously, this metaphor is relative. World events make me one of the lucky ones. My life is not in danger and my loved ones are safe. And, I’ve had the good fortune of a coaching and meditation practice that bring me peace no matter what. For that and all that I have, I am thankful.
Bit rough going though, not gonna lie.
Especially since I’ve evolved out of my usual approach. As a kid, I stiff upper-lipped all of it. No matter what happened. A family splintered in all directions, the disappearance of a parent, the betrayal of a best friend, I grew accustomed to handling difficulty alone. Brushed it off and moved on. Or at least, that’s what I thought I was doing.
Here and now though, I’ve come face to face with everything that hurts. Perhaps slow Covid recovery weakened my fortitude. There is no escaping my feelings. Well, I mean, I could but they’d just store themselves in my body and make me sick(er). So, best to deal with it.
Because everything happens exactly as it is meant to, I don’t think the lingering illness is any coincidence either. Slowing down to feel the hard emotions of this season has been necessary. It has opened my eyes to the fact that I would benefit from more effective support than I have allowed myself.
The only way to get what you want is to learn why you need what you need and what it actually looks like. Luckily, the universe tossed me a book of simple instructions.
Here’s my cheat sheet for better humaning in 2024.
We all have three universal needs: (1) to feel worthy; (2) that our feelings matter; and (3) that someone really cares about us. The only way to get there is to share our truth with someone who can really listen.
We all so desperately want to feel understood. To be appreciated for who we are. Not judged, corrected or advised. If you are sharing your truth with someone who is judging when you’d hoped for listening, you can feel it. Energy is matter.
When we muster the courage to share and the other person tells us we shouldn’t feel how we feel, when they steer us away from the subject at hand or attempt to elevate us out of our difficult emotions before we are ready, it does the opposite.
We feel more alone than ever.
Actual Listening requires four skills.
1. Full attention.
That means if you are talking and the other person goes dead in the eyes, you are left with the impression that they are not interested. Self-evident, it would seem. Attention is full focus. No one is checking their phone.
2. Showing up with openness and curiosity.
This requires patience and the desire to understand. These are highly developed qualities of character. Most of us operate from a low emotional level and attempt to give high level advice. We’ve been trained to stay out of feelings, solve the problem and move on.
Only it doesn’t work that way. We need to thoroughly process and find our own truth or it stays buried and continues to hurt deep down. Ask me how I know.
How do we convey the desire to understand?
By asking questions that communicate this intention. Such questions begin with how, what, when, where, doand is. You are trying to find out more with no agenda.
Conversely, there are two words that shut us down: why and but.
Asking why someone feels how they feel puts them on the defensive to explain themselves. That doesn’t help them. As for the use of but, no matter what well intentioned clause came before it, the only thing the other person hears is what you said after but.
I love you but I really need you to stop talking. 🙂
3. Understanding the emotions being communicated.
When you are deeply listening, the other person can follow their emotions all the way down as far as they need to go. And when they have fully expressed all they need to, you can trust that they will bring themselves back up. And, because you have opened the space for it, they will find solutions that are right for them when they are ready.
4. Listening for the needs they are expressing.
That way you are clear what this is all about.
If you can pay attention, and ask open ended questions and get clear on the emotions and needs, this is validation. You are effectively communicating that you genuinely care. You are showing up as a compassionate witness to their life. Not as a fixer.
Validation is the ability to view something through the eyes and feelings of another person. You can’t do that if you are talking or thinking of telling them to do a thing.
The great benefit of all this is the freedom it allows in all directions. You are not distracted by the burden of solving anyone else’s problems. You give your full attention to what the other person is saying instead of spinning the wheels in your own head to find a solution. The responsibility to solve the problem stays where it belongs. With the person having the issue. And this feels so much better to them.
It’s so very human to want to solve a problem for someone you care about. When someone shares their hard thing, we feel the burden to offer help. To fix, correct or rescue. To me, it speaks to my need to earn the right to be there. It hits the nerve of my own self-worth. Like, if I can’t fix this for you, what good am I?
But our urge to fix is not about what that person actually needs. It’s about feeling uncomfortable watching someone struggle. Just remember, that person has a truth all their own. And if you sat quietly with them, they might find it. (There is a time and place to offer help, of course. And when it involves choice on the part of the person struggling, it can be empowering. Just telling them what to do feels awful to them. It’s not a fit because they are not YOU.)
As a parent, I have often tried to teach my kid a lesson in the moment. That is not the time. When emotions are running high, guilt and shame are flaring. NO ONE is ready to learn then. It’s actually impossible.
We need to wait until the other person is ready.
A learning environment is safe and respectful. We need to come back later after the person feels validated and loved. When relationships are strained and the air is charged with emotion, any attempt to teach is perceived as a form of judgment and rejection.
So, when someone shares their hard thing or flat out asks you what to do, mentally review this basic concept. I can’t make anything all better and the problem belongs to that person, not me. The best thing you can do is listen without an agenda. Ask non-threatening, on-topic questions. That is it.
I loved that the book threw out some lines so we have an idea of wtf validation sounds like.
When you get clear on what you need and why you need it, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.
Love,
Elizabeth
WRITING PROMPT: What kind of support feels best to you? Are you able to provide that same level of support?
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