Author: Elizabeth Heise

PSA FOR PRIDE MONTH

In the year since I came out, I’ve learned some unexpected things about being a gay person in the world. Granted, my perspective as a white, “straight passing,” upper middle class, cis woman is ridiculously privileged compared to gay folks who navigate intersectional issues of race, disability or socio-economic status. Even so, if you are not gay and wonder why much is made of coming out and why people opt to lock their closet door—the World Health Organization estimates a whopping 83% of the worlds gay folks don’t come out—pull up a chair and I’ll tell you what it’s like, at least for me, a California transplant in Don’t Say Gay Florida. In gay-friendlier places, I’ve heard it is NOTHING like this so all you not out gay Oregonians can breath a sigh of relief. 🙂 And to those newly out or anyone still in the closet who might be reading this: I feel so much better in my own skin and will never regret coming out.

Here goes:

1. Because of the homophobic water we all swim in—you can’t actually feel it until it is your personal reality—anti-LGBTQ+ legislation flooding state politics, violence against gay people in the news, random dehumanizing comments about gay folks from inside your circle, the world feels dangerous in a way it never did before. I feel pushed out of the safe place I had lived with everyone else. Minority Stress Theory explains the social, psychological, and structural factors that can place marginalized groups at risk for negative mental and physical health outcomes. Stress is a killer. Eighty percent of people go see their doctor for a stress related condition. This past year, I have been in the worst health ever. I imagine it’s because other life stressors must now be managed against the backdrop of homophobia and fear of being ostracized. I recently went back to running, but I no longer hide my car key where I meet my running partner for a long run. I just don’t feel safe anymore.

2. The Religious Right believes the gays are going to hell and they are not afraid to tell you straightaway. A letter I received brought to mind my favorite bumper sticker, “Jesus, Save Me From Your Followers.” Here’s a line from a regular reader, the full piece of which I attached at the end here.* “…Not sure how much you have learned about the Christian New Testament but both say the same thing: homosexuality is an abomination to God… Unbiased research will reveal that there are many deep and irreversible profound damages to the homosexual and transgender lifestyle.” First off, that second sentence is begging for a red pen. The manmade condemnation, however, is clear. My heart breaks for all those not-yet-out gay kids raised in the church, undiluted shame funneled into their little ears every Sunday. At best it can cause them to turn on themselves and stay in the closet. At worst, it can kill them. LGBTQ+ youth are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers. The Trevor Project* estimates that more than 1.8 million LGBTQ+ young people (13-24) seriously consider suicide each year in the US. At least one gay kid attempts suicide every 45 seconds. Forty one percent of gay youth have seriously considered suicide in the past year, including HALF of transgender and nonbinary youth. What you say about gay people (especially the kids!!) and how you treat them REALLY MATTERS.

3. There is a serious lack of education on this topic and you may be the recipient of an impressive level of ignorance. Folks you’d never expect will cast aspersions, doubt you and say crazy things about you. I was unprepared for ‘my gay friends said you aren’t gay,’ ‘I was gay for three weeks, you’ll get over it,’ ‘you are doing this for attention,’ ‘this is a midlife crisis.’ On the flip side of that were lovely surprises that made all the difference. Like one friend who responded to the news with genuine warmth and enthusiasm for me knowing myself better. Then she offered to connect me with friends in my expanded new community, which is exactly what I needed. Another friend, totally nonplused at the news, has continued to check in ever since. Many have all but disappeared from my life.

4. I am now often regarded as The Gay Person by people I’ve known for decades instead of as an individual like they all get to be. I am referred to by that identity a LOT. By my fashion choices, my temperament, even as to the diminished value of having me around. That is the most disconcerting, scary feeling. When I was straight, no one defined me by any one one aspect of my identity and it was certainly not the most significant thing about me. That would be absurd, right? I’m Jewish too, which is a problem in MANY parts of the world especially now, but in very Jewish Miami, I feel relatively safe. Also, I didn’t realize that there was an “angry lesbian” stereotype. Granted, I heard the term in the same conversation where an “angry Black man” was thrown around as well. I pointed out that the man’s frustrated response sounded reasonable for someone who had been inconvenienced the entire day. So who are the precious few who are given license to show emotion without “fitting the stereotype?” Anyone who watched Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation hearing knows the answer to that. Newsflash: we are all entitled to have feelings, not just the straight, cisgender*, white males of the world. Everyone is allowed to be fully human. Please do not abuse the incredible privilege you carry in the world by making life harder for others.

5. “We are worried for your kids.” I heard this a lot. In a homophobic world, people can be mean, even to your babies. That’s valid. AND. Hearing this over and over made me feel like I was doing something wrong. It suggests that if I also cared about my children, I wouldn’t be gay or at least I wouldn’t tell anyone. Coming out isn’t the problem. Homophobia is what is actually dangerous to the LGBTQ+ community, not gayness. Drag icon Trixie Mattel said it best. “It’s not hard to be gay. It’s straight people that make it hard.” I think we are collectively confused about what gay even is. Gayness is a state of being. It isn’t something bad that you do to someone else if you are a corrupt person or a terrible mother. My kids are the most important people in my life and their wellbeing is my chief concern. I hope I have prepared them to be themselves regardless of what others would prefer them to be. You can only teach that by example. So, if someone comes out to you, they are telling you the truth about who they are. To express negativity in that moment lands as rejection. Regardless of your good intentions, that is the impact. Yes, the world can be awful to folks who don’t carry privilege, but that is a lot of people you are expecting to lay low. It’s 2024—let’s do better.

6. Here is some encouraging news. If you haven’t heard, LOTS of LGBTQ+ folks are extremely capable, resourceful, incredibly talented people. If you don’t have any, get some gay friends, you’ll be so glad you did. I know some pretty badass lesbians who are not accustomed to subverting their personal power in anyone’s presence, regardless of gender. They haven’t bought into gender stereotypes that males are the only ones capable of certain skills. I am thinking of my Aunt, trailblazer Mariah Hanson, an absolute powerhouse of a businesswoman and pioneer in the community, of my childhood friend, comedian Dana Goldberg, activist, and fierce LGBTQ+ advocate, of my friend Laura Steckler, philanthropist and highly skilled financial planner who empowers women to build a secure future. It’s a long list.

7. But here’s the best news of all. Now that I understand myself better, I am at peace. Sure, it’s super weird for some people to treat me differently now. But it’s also an excellent litmus test for who actually belongs in my life and who never did.

8. Lastly, the past year has educated me in a multitude of ways people handle changes in their orientation at later stages of life. I had never heard of “mixed orientation” marriage or when one partner becoming trans within the context of a straight marriage or Ethical Non-monogamy. The expansive love some couples who experience shifts in identity after building a life together is inspiring. These alternative partnerships aren’t comfortable for everyone. We are all free to choose the kind of relationship that suits us.

9. Love is love is love is love is love. It is really the only thing that is real and that matters.

Thank you for reading. When we know each other, see each other and respect each other as the beautiful, unique humans we are, we can love each other better. Happy Pride!

Love,

Elizabeth

* Cisgender describes someone who’s gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

Here’s the full letter I mentioned above. It’s a doozy.

*Dear Elizabeth,

I am saddened to hear of this new path you have started down, but I am hopeful and glad I’m that I know how intelligent you are and how you seek good, right and truth. 

I do not believe this declaration of yours will take you to a better life and I write this because I love you in the Greek agape sense and the Hebrew Philadelphia sense and I know God loves you more than anyone on earth. He created you.Truth is the only path I follow when pursuing any subject or decision. Reality reveals Truth. Jesus says He is the Way the Truth and the Life. Creation, history and science reveal this Truth when you study facts. I know that you don’t believe literally in the Hebrew (Jewish) Old Testament and not sure how much you have learned about the Christian New Testament but 

both say the same thing: homosexuality is an abomination to God and is wrong. Reality when thoroughly investigated through a timeline of cause and effect and all facts to be known are known will reveal to you the Truth of any issue. Mankind would die out without heterosexual binary sex whether in body or test tube. It doesn’t happen any other way. Unbiased research will reveal that there are many deep and irreversible profound damages to the homosexual and transgender lifestyle.Think about how your parents thought they were doing the right thing by following their own thing and how you still are searching how to get past your upbringing. This new “way” will not get you where you really want to go in your heart. I saw it searching for Truth and righteousness and love. My message is not about religion nor dogma: it is about you finding God and knowing Him as God and not yourself as god. God created us male and female in His image. Don’t get hung on on the male pronouns here. There is no gender neutral in Hebrew so it uses both feminine and masculine terms when speaking of God. God is Spirit and He has appeared on earth as Yeshua/Jesus of Nazareth, incarnate. 

The American Indians called Him the Great Spirit. Africans also recognize this good spirit real God and they recognize the bad Evil Spirit lesser god the Bible calls Satan. 

You must understand that God has female and male attributes but He created physical mankind as either male or female. Bisexual. No fluidity. That’s reality. You can’t change your DNA. Some men are more feminine and vice versa but they are still males biologically no matter what modern science says or tries to do to change 

I hope you don’t think this is preaching. I am only expressing Truth as I know it. You are too good of a lawyer to not know that Truth is external and we must search for it. We don’t get to decide what it is. IT IS. We get to decide our emotions our feelings and our perspectives, and God gives us the freedom to follow our hearts and grow like children in wisdom and knowledge. You will find God if you search with all your heart. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Read His Word and let the Holy Spirit not your spirit reveal truth to you. Man and his philosophies are from mankind. I must also mention their are evil spirits, both old and new testaments speak quite a lot about them. They are very deceiving and can feel or seem as if light or as your friend. Don’t be deceived. You don’t want to go down that path. Lies are bondage. In closing I hope you can hear my words and know they are sincere and true not becauss I said so but God through our ancestors and fathers’ fathers  has said so. I hope they can be received by you because they are delivered with great respect but deep concern  for this course you are deviating on. I hope and pray you will remain with your loving husband and be a righteous loving wife and mother to your children and continue to likewise impact people for truth in your professional life.  

As always your friend,

Heather

*The Trevor Project provides a safe space and crisis services for LGBTQ+ young people 24/7, 365 days a year, as well as advocacy, research, education and public awareness. They are literally saving lives. If you want to donate or find out more, take a look here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ 

 

If I have learned nothing else in 2023, it has been that I can’t ask for anything in a relationship that I am unwilling or unable to do myself.

Here’s what I mean.

As a result of sweeping changes in my life, the chess pieces have been tossed high in air. No telling where they will land. Obviously, this metaphor is relative. World events make me one of the lucky ones. My life is not in danger and my loved ones are safe. And, I’ve had the good fortune of a coaching and meditation practice that bring me peace no matter what. For that and all that I have, I am thankful.

Bit rough going though, not gonna lie.

Especially since I’ve evolved out of my usual approach. As a kid, I stiff upper-lipped all of it. No matter what happened. A family splintered in all directions, the disappearance of a parent, the betrayal of a best friend, I grew accustomed to handling difficulty alone. Brushed it off and moved on. Or at least, that’s what I thought I was doing.

Here and now though, I’ve come face to face with everything that hurts. Perhaps slow Covid recovery weakened my fortitude. There is no escaping my feelings. Well, I mean, I could but they’d just store themselves in my body and make me sick(er). So, best to deal with it.

Because everything happens exactly as it is meant to, I don’t think the lingering illness is any coincidence either. Slowing down to feel the hard emotions of this season has been necessary. It has opened my eyes to the fact that I would benefit from more effective support than I have allowed myself.

The only way to get what you want is to learn why you need what you need and what it actually looks like. Luckily, the universe tossed me a book of simple instructions.

Here’s my cheat sheet for better humaning in 2024.  

We all have three universal needs: (1) to feel worthy; (2) that our feelings matter; and (3) that someone really cares about us. The only way to get there is to share our truth with someone who can really listen.

We all so desperately want to feel understood. To be appreciated for who we are. Not judged, corrected or advised. If you are sharing your truth with someone who is judging when you’d hoped for listening, you can feel it. Energy is matter.

When we muster the courage to share and the other person tells us we shouldn’t feel how we feel, when they steer us away from the subject at hand or attempt to elevate us out of our difficult emotions before we are ready, it does the opposite.

We feel more alone than ever.

Actual Listening requires four skills.

1. Full attention. 

That means if you are talking and the other person goes dead in the eyes, you are left with the impression that they are not interested. Self-evident, it would seem. Attention is full focus. No one is checking their phone.

2. Showing up with openness and curiosity.

This requires patience and the desire to understand. These are highly developed qualities of character. Most of us operate from a low emotional level and attempt to give high level advice. We’ve been trained to stay out of feelings, solve the problem and move on.

Only it doesn’t work that way. We need to thoroughly process and find our own truth or it stays buried and continues to hurt deep down. Ask me how I know.

How do we convey the desire to understand?

By asking questions that communicate this intention. Such questions begin with how, what, when, where, doand is. You are trying to find out more with no agenda.

Conversely, there are two words that shut us down: why and but.

Asking why someone feels how they feel puts them on the defensive to explain themselves. That doesn’t help them. As for the use of but, no matter what well intentioned clause came before it, the only thing the other person hears is what you said after but. 

I love you but I really need you to stop talking. 🙂

3. Understanding the emotions being communicated. 

When you are deeply listening, the other person can follow their emotions all the way down as far as they need to go. And when they have fully expressed all they need to, you can trust that they will bring themselves back up. And, because you have opened the space for it, they will find solutions that are right for them when they are ready.

4. Listening for the needs they are expressing. 

That way you are clear what this is all about.

If you can pay attention, and ask open ended questions and get clear on the emotions and needs, this is validation. You are effectively communicating that you genuinely care. You are showing up as a compassionate witness to their life. Not as a fixer.

Validation is the ability to view something through the eyes and feelings of another person. You can’t do that if you are talking or thinking of telling them to do a thing.

The great benefit of all this is the freedom it allows in all directions. You are not distracted by the burden of solving anyone else’s problems. You give your full attention to what the other person is saying instead of spinning the wheels in your own head to find a solution. The responsibility to solve the problem stays where it belongs. With the person having the issue. And this feels so much better to them.

It’s so very human to want to solve a problem for someone you care about. When someone shares their hard thing, we feel the burden to offer help. To fix, correct or rescue. To me, it speaks to my need to earn the right to be there. It hits the nerve of my own self-worth. Like, if I can’t fix this for you, what good am I?  

But our urge to fix is not about what that person actually needs. It’s about feeling uncomfortable watching someone struggle. Just remember, that person has a truth all their own. And if you sat quietly with them, they might find it. (There is a time and place to offer help, of course. And when it involves choice on the part of the person struggling, it can be empowering. Just telling them what to do feels awful to them. It’s not a fit because they are not YOU.)

As a parent, I have often tried to teach my kid a lesson in the moment. That is not the time. When emotions are running high, guilt and shame are flaring. NO ONE is ready to learn then. It’s actually impossible.

We need to wait until the other person is ready.

A learning environment is safe and respectful. We need to come back later after the person feels validated and loved. When relationships are strained and the air is charged with emotion, any attempt to teach is perceived as a form of judgment and rejection.

So, when someone shares their hard thing or flat out asks you what to do, mentally review this basic concept. I can’t make anything all better and the problem belongs to that person, not me. The best thing you can do is listen without an agenda. Ask non-threatening, on-topic questions. That is it.

I loved that the book threw out some lines so we have an idea of wtf validation sounds like.

When you get clear on what you need and why you need it, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What kind of support feels best to you? Are you able to provide that same level of support?

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com to subscribe. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on X/Twitter. Happy reading.

 

Despite hyper vigilance to protect myself—I’ve been the one weirdo in the airport still in a mask—Covid finally found me. I had a good run, though. Three years and four months post-global shutdown. To the remaining Covid ninjas out there, let this be your cautionary tale. Re-order that PPE.

I must have known to be extraordinarily careful given how it has landed. If you are treating this strain like it’s just a cold, you are half right. The virus part barely registers as illness. A sweaty night or two, body aches, some dizziness. But the post-viral inflammatory response has been impressive. A leaden fatigue requiring all business to be conducted horizontally, bizarre full body spins and a cognitive fuzz that, mercifully, has begun to lift.

So. If I’m so cautious, how’d it happen?

To use a Navy term, I had to walk back the cat  i.e. retrace my steps to see where I split off from my integrity to make a choice around which I didn’t feel right. Doing so, I knowingly exposed myself to this still serious illness. At twenty-one days post onset, it has just TODAY begun to lift.

Weeks out from the decision that canceled all summer travel plans, ten training runs and 4 sunrise bike rides, I’ve had an opportunity to reflect.

Here’s what happens when you have an inner knowing that registers in your gut. If you don’t listen to it much, it gets very quiet and you live your life by committee. Most of us rely on intellectual reasons for doing things. Sometimes they are flimsy, sometimes really good. But. The left brain only has access to 20% of what we actually know. The other 80% of your information comes from your nervous system which has nothing to do with reason. You cannot verbalize what is in your gut. We often forget that we too are animals with instincts. We have been gifted with the same tools to keep up safe as any four legged, furry creature.

So. Ignore your intuition and you betray your innate knowing. On some level, I knew. I recall it registered as a little ache. That was me splitting off from myself. If you think it doesn’t catch up with you, take a second to notice that it does. Sometimes it’s in small ways—you don’t drink enough water and get a headache. Other times you enjoy three weeks of bad-trip style Covid.

It’s a challenge to listen to that inner voice when we are rewarded for self-sacrifice in this culture and conditioned by those messages that taking care of other people matters and our own needs do not.

Is it possible to stay true to yourself all the time every day?

I will grant you that most of us don’t have the luxury of speaking our minds in every situation or making the move that feels most aligned at the precise moment we feel it. Imagine if you told your boss what you really think of the office policies that serve no purpose other than to annoy you. Self-preservation comes first, obviously. But. Slowly and with intention, you begin to observe what feels right and what doesn’t.

This week, I was reminded again of the two questions Wayfinder Master Coach Natalie Miller likes to ask to cultivate the inner knowing.

What do I want?

What do I need?

One little choice point at a time, you begin to notice what is already there. To move into a life that matches up with your truth. Ultimately, that truth is a kindness to everyone around you. Doing things you don’t want to carries a low vibration that the other person may not get consciously, but they will feel it.

Always keep in mind, people who value truth in all things will always be for you. Will always be kind to you. Truth enures to all of our benefit. When you share yours, people know where you stand. They know YOU. To be fully seen and heard is a basic need for every one of us.

If there is an ache inside of you to be known, I ask you, what are you waiting for?

From that place of knowing, from living the same inside as you do outside, your true life unfolds.

Love, Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: Where can your insides better match your outsides?

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my monthly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter/X. Happy reading!

 

 

If you’ve been with me a while, you may have noticed the pattern: I scan the landscape of my life for a troublesome little stone, pick it up, then skip it across the pond of my personal growth. The whole exercise had a logical end point.

Except it didn’t. I’d repeat the process in perpetuity. Searching for what was really bothering me and never finding it. The stone wasn’t reaching the bottom.

Welp. I found out what it is ya’ll:

 

I am gay.

How’d this happen to me, long married to the greatest guy ever, with whom I have built a life that looks like a dream? My whole thing is ‘self-discovery.’ How did I miss something so bloody fundamental?

Excellent question.

Allow me to set the stage. As a personal growth coach, I am trained in dream analysis, body compass and other techniques which allow access to the truth in the body and subconscious mind. May sound woo/ridiculous but it’s a real thing.

One morning a few months back, I woke up from one such dream knowing with 100% certainty that I am not straight. It showed up in my body as a fact, plain and simple.

That same morning, I told my husband that something big was going on with me.  

“I’m here for you no matter what,” he said and meant it. His support has been unwavering.

So. My mission became to figure out where I was on that continuum from gay to straight, which I had learned about in my Human Sexuality class as an undergrad lo those 35 years ago.*

In the months following, I stockpiled books, podcasted and therapist shopped. I needed clarity around my identity so I could begin to figure out how it would affect all of our lives. Every night, I chewed the crap out of the inside of my mouth grinding my teeth while I tried to sleep. 

During our evening walks, I’d share what I’d learned with my husband. After one miserable day, I told him I’d read that it takes a person in my position somewhere between two and eight years to land on a definitive answer. When I discovered that, I was like NOT TO ME IT DOESN’T. I promised him I wouldn’t keep us in suspense like that.

One kindly therapist who identified herself as more of a crisis counselor told me I didn’t seem to be troubled in that way. She said folks like me really needed community more than anything. That this can often be a terribly lonely time.

That tracked with my research. I’d heard a story about a woman who had realized she wasn’t straight but felt so alone that she re-closeted herself to regain her sense of belonging. That struck me as so sad.

This therapist introduced me to the perfect person—someone who immediately knew me in a way I hadn’t know myself. I finally found the missing piece to me. And it happened nearly over night.

Once it was underway, I realized my identity pretty quickly: super f-ing gay. My husband referred to it as SFG in the sweetest Valentines Day card I have ever received.

Solid as that felt, I really wanted to unlearn whatever baggage kept me closeted for so long. I wanted to show up to the LGBTQ community free of the harmful conditioning that prevented me from knowing myself. I’d heard stories about the new gays putting their foot in their mouth and that was not going to be me.

In that program, we examined all the areas in which we had been conditioned out of gayness: compulsory heterosexuality, internalized homophobia, people-pleasing, misogyny, to name a few. At the end, I felt ready to be an excellent gay citizen of the world.

Sidebar to all this though. A part of me objects to the idea of coming out. Who comes out as straight? NO ONE. The second you say gay or, God forbid lesbian, people sexualize you in a way no straight person ever is. A straight person’s private life remains just that.

So why am I doing it?

So that folks see us ALL, especially here in “don’t say gay” Florida. The gay community includes a woman like me too, a very hetero looking, white-privileged married woman in the suburbs. We are EVERYWHERE. I want white conservatives who thought we had plenty in common to see that yes, we do. And because of that, we all share a community with the trans kids who are being targeted by legislatures across the country. They deserve to feel safe and be loved for who they are. Likewise to gay Black, gay Indigenous, gay People of Color who face violence and discrimination on a scale nobody around here could ever appreciate. We are one community. See us all, please. We are you.

And lastly, I want to share that gayness is not a negative force in the world.** Shame is. Silence around this speaks shame to me and I won’t live in it. My family will not be “damaged” by my coming out. We will be rearranged in unexpected ways as a family. We will expand and grow. As humans doing a hard thing, we will experience difficult emotions and that’s okay. We get to feel our feelings without blame or guilt or apology. That’s for when you do something wrong. Gay is a state of being, not something I did to anyone.  

On our quarterly coaching call with Martha Beck this week, she addressed it all with me:

“Find your center, live in integrity. You have already embraced who you are.  Just keep coming back to your true self. And as far as coaching goes, it’s time to expand your practice. You are equipped to coach people coming out in midlife. You have walked through fire and now have a great gift to offer the world. If you stay creative, calm and curious, all the people in your life will have a much smoother, easier ride.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Happy Pride to us all.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT:  What makes you different from other people? Have you shared it? Why or why not?

*Btw the universe of identity isn’t even viewed as a straight line anymore, as one queer friend pointed out. There are spheres and spectrums of identity in all colors of the rainbow.

**It’s actually so fun! It’s my favorite thing about me. And it’s allowed me to accept myself on a level I never thought possible.

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my monthly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Thank you for reading.

 

 

A few years back, Oprah interviewed Lady Gaga at her wellness tour down here in South Florida.* Gaga described how she lives with chronic pain and had learned to take things slow. She didn’t love the term baby steps though. Gaga’s self-honoring way of moving through the world evokes more intentionality and empowerment than that term captures. Instead, she calls it, “taking one brave bite at a time.”

 

I’m with Gaga. And the idea of taking a bite appeals to me much more anyway.

Martha Beck refers to navigating this way as, “the slow accumulation of tiny efforts.” So much more humane than our Grind Culture that has us believing we aren’t doing enough ever.

The not enough thinking is quite destructive. We are taught that self-criticism makes us better people. That the harder we are on ourselves, the more motivated we are to do better. Studies show it’s actually the reverse.**

Contrary to what we’ve been fed, self-compassion promotes personal improvement. Self-criticism decreases motivation to do anything. When we tell ourselves we are no good, we then envision ourselves acting in ways that make us feel worse.

It becomes like a massive garbage ball that can flatten us if we allow it. We don’t take care of ourselves which decreases motivation and productivity. A mind embattled in depression and anxiety creates a body that is symptomatic. We might still get the job done but man have we made it HARDER. It is a major energy drain to flog yourself relentlessly.

When we are kinder to ourselves, we feel better. And when we feel better, we do better.

Because we overlay so much of our lives with negative self-talk, it all feels more daunting. When that happens, we can go even gentler. A fellow MB coach asks clients to identify a ‘non-step’ in the direction they want to point themselves. Something that takes the pressure off but puts energy towards the life they want. When they don’t feel ready, but they do feel a little flutter. A non-step looks like researching the options or finding the people who have done “the thing.” Something light and soft that will point you there.

Because of all the plate spinning going on in my own life and the lives of the people closest to me, my brave bites become apparent only in the present moment. The second I start future casting and, worse yet, predicting bad outcomes by worrying, I become deaf and blind to all the information available to me in the here and now.

And there is not just information in the present moment, there is also beauty, even in the most trying circumstances. Like the friends who are there for us when it gets hard. The support in nature to absorb tough emotions. And, my favorite, the magical evolution of our relationships when we honor our own needs. All so beautiful.

When I am not fast-forwarding my life to something scary, I have full access to my truth. I am intuitively guided. Then, when chaos hits, I have the ability to access peace and make decisions that grow that peace instead of diminish it. I am able to direct myself toward the life my heart desires. Moment by moment. One brave bite at a time. The slow accumulation of tiny efforts. And when it’s all too much, a non-step for good measure.

SO, dear reader. Whatever you are facing, whatever you’ve got swirling all around you, you can do this. Just stay right here where all the intel is available to you. Be guided in peace and calm.

When you allow yourself to take in what is happening around you, you get the sense that it’s all gonna be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth 

WRITING PROMPT: What non-step can you take that will focus energy towards your heart’s desire?  

*Find the full interview of Gaga and Oprah here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8iNYY7YV04

**In Natalie Miller’s latest episode of Mindwitchery, she describes a 2015 study on Regret Theory. Each of the subjects had done something that caused them feelings of regret. The people who treated themselves kindly adopted new behaviors. The ones who viewed themselves as the kind of people prone to screwing up just did more of the same. You can learn about Self-Compassion Theory in the May 25, 2023 Episode of Mindwitchery or check out the work of Kristen Neff at self-compassion.net.

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my monthly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading.

 

 

I am fresh from a weekend on the Oregon coast where forests open to the ocean, with trees so tall they reach the heavens above. A verdant, magical fairyland.

You’d think mystical woodland creatures had scurried around planning this writer’s retreat. Pretty close. These aren’t your everyday, walking around folks. This band of self-described misfits are my people.*

Corporeal Writing co-founder Domi Shoemaker (striped shirt above) started out by declaring, “we are not the types to make you do sh!t.” This crew is about self-honoring practices. Here in old growth, Sitka Spruce country, the idea was to process pain and grief and express it in prose and poetry. With the support of wise old trees and one another, we turned pain into art.

Lots of vulnerability rose up in this space. It fueled our creativity to make stuff. Spending time in this incredible natural setting helped soak up the extra intense feelings. All this activity happens in right brain and produces sensations of connection and calm. It is so my preferred way to do vulnerability.

The playground of the brain’s right hemisphere is my favorite territory. It’s where I problem solve, dream, write and let go. It is free from social conditioning. Truth lives there and when it shows up, I don’t question it.

The work that happens in that right side is generative and real. My mission is to find direct pathways that take me there. For me, the most direct route is music. When I am inside an epic drum solo or soul stirring ethereal voice, I become one with it. My stressed out, self-conscious ego totally vanishes. It’s honestly such a relief.

Among these natural wonders and artists, Bastille’s Oblivion played in my mind over and over. Tears welled up.

Are you going to age with grace? 

Are going to age without mistakes?

Are you going to age with grace,

Or only to wake and hide your face?

Before we had language, we had music. Singing. First, we hummed. Music occurs in the right brain where neurons are long, reaching backwards, forwards and into realms we can’t conceive of intellectually. Compared to the short, stubby neurons in the left hemisphere, it’s a way more connected place to be. Our culture trains us to live in that left brain where limited thinking, pressure and social and religious conditioning operate to reign in our wild hearts.

I’m here to tell you though, the right brain is where the magic happens. It’s the place I want to be all the time. Some left handed people have more going on in the right hemisphere than most. I am left handed so maybe that’s why it’s my preferred hangout. It’s where I coach my clients and ask right brainy questions to guide their problem-solving, desire-discovering and barrier-busting. It is RICH territory, totally free from cultural constructs and trauma. It accesses what we really want for ourselves. And sometimes that’s a real f!ckin surprise.

So. This song. It feels like it’s about me having the courage to show who I really am. To walk with purpose into the unknown. To trust that what, in retrospect, seemed like a wrong turn was actually meant to be exactly as it was. Or else it would have been different.  

When oblivion is calling out your name

You always take it further

Then I ever can.

Are you going to age with grace?

Are you going to leave a path to trace?

We weren’t trained to cede control. My recent health scare reminded me that the unknown is all we ever have, regardless of what we put in place to avoid the inevitable. Control is an illusion. And the only way to move through it is with self-compassion. Grace. Trust. To surrender to the force greater than ourselves. The one supporting us on our path. And to always remember that what we want, wants us back. And that by staying in alignment with our own desires and unlearning harmful conditioning, we make ourselves available for all that is meant for us.

There is one aspect of this that we can actually control: what we think and believe about ourselves and others. If we question thoughts and beliefs that cause suffering, we can turn thoughts around to where they feel like peace in the body.** That is the only way to recognize truth. It feels exactly like freedom.

I will leave a path to trace. My journey will help others. And it is not only up to me. This path is a co-creation. Yours is too. And what a relief. I’ve been feeling so alone in my pursuit to figure out what all this is about, where I am meant to be, for a lifetime. And I don’t have to anymore.

When you realize you are held by a force greater than yourself and relax into the mystery and wonder of it all, you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: Do you recognize the difference between your own inner guide and the cultural and or religious conditioning that has convinced you of what you are supposed to want?

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my monthly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading.

*Where else will you get a writing space called “Sunday Spoonies,” a group just for people dealing with chronic pain. Or a dedicated LBGTQ session called Alphabet Island. Space for every kind of human, writing genre, and those of us who try to resist any labels at all. This is a group that welcomes you as you are. If you are like me and have always felt on the outside looking in, check them out. https://www.corporealwriting.com/corporeal-community

**https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/ This is a practice. And if you do it consistently, it will turn your everyday life into heaven on earth. I guarantee it.

For nine days I sat in the basement conference room of an LAX hotel a few feet from personal growth icon, Byron Katie. She has been running this immersion program, The School for The Work, for decades.*

We were asked to surrender all our screens, snacks, makeup, outside books and even flirting.** This first exercise was unexpected but I think it was the critical piece to my painful thought detox.

Why’d I do it anyway?

I’d already learned this technique in my training with Martha Beck. Recently though, Martha shared with her coaches that if we really wanted to learn from the master, we’d better jump on this. Martha begins her own coach training with The Work, reasoning that the ability to question your painful thoughts and beliefs is the root of living your true purpose. There is nowhere to go without it.

Also. Rumor has it that eighty year old Katie, as she is called, would run the program for the last time. I wondered if she’d be less engaged at the alleged end.

As soon as she began from a cushioned white arm chair back lit in blue light, something became clear.  This spritely white haired woman with piercing blue eyes is in the prime of her life.

You might be thinking sure, if I was rich and famous I’d have a bunch of handlers who made sure I was too.

Katie has no such folks. Two of her grown kids helped out with logistics along with her loyal sound guys and a few master trainers. For as big an impact as she has around the world—there were 280 participants here from everywhere— she has no “people.”

With irreverent humor and deep curiosity, she taught us the simple instructions to a happy life. 

And just so you can put this pain-relieving modality in context with the multitudes of others, one Stanford study Katie mentioned says it all. To alleviate depression and anxiety, pharmaceutical drugs are 30% effective. Medication plus Cognitive Behavioral Therapy improves to a rate of 60%. Doing The Work blows doors on them both at a whopping 91%.***

She puts it this way, “other than what you are thinking and believing, this is heaven on earth.” We tested that theory when we did an exercise in town involving total strangers. It’s true. After doing this work, peace is everywhere.

But I am getting off track here. I really want to sell you on how f-ing vibrant this octogenarian is so you’ll buy into her techniques and go try it yourself. Just to be completely transparent about the end game here.

Who doesn’t want to find the fountain of youth?? I know I do. I absolutely believe this is it.

This is what she is capable of in the eighth decade of her life. Our sessions ran from 7:30 a.m. to 9:30 p.m. only breaking for meals. The Work goes deep. Sometimes it exhausted me to the point where I fell asleep and an ink pen and destroyed my favorite pants. You really need to get decent rest if you are going to be changing your life, ijs.

Katie leads every single session, delegating nothing, not even reading from the slips of paper in the suggestion box where folks asked other participants not to “hijack the elevators.”

Before she developed this work, Katie had a multitude of mental and physical health issues to the point where she had to be institutionalized. Her personal relationships were a disaster.

Now, this woman absolutely radiates love. She is able to answer questions with music lyrics and do call backs from a week’s worth of inside jokes. Katie’s grown children, both graying themselves, participated and contributed openly. Once they came up to demo an exercise. Katie shared how they both came to “The Work.” Upon observing the dramatic change in their mom, they asked her to teach them so that they could overcome their own stultifying thinking. Steven Mitchell, her renowned author husband, perched himself in a side stage chair to learn like everyone else.

The reason Katie moves through life with the ease and purpose of someone decades younger is that she does not carry the burden of eighty years on this planet.**** Katie radiates joy and unconditional positive regard. This is the net effect of nearly a lifetime of questioning beliefs in the way that she teaches.

By Friday, Katie asked us to complete a phrase about the impact of what we had learned.

The sentence began like this:

“I now feel free to _______.”

She asked us to pass the microphone and speak in our mother tongue. Voices from all over the world said things like this:

I am now free to see the beauty in everyone, including me.

I am now free to love and be loved.

I am now free to drop my stories about people and love them.

I am now free to listen.

I am now free to receive criticism as a gift.

I am now free to be quiet.

I am now free to take my time with everything and just notice.

I am now free to let go of being hyper vigilant.

I am now free to consider a question without feeling the need to please the questioner.

I am now free to have a thought and not believe it.

I am now free to receive what comes with love.

I am now free to listen to myself.

I am now free to be a kid again.

I am now free to believe that there are no strangers.

I am now free to see rejections as simple directions. (Like if someone says leave me alone, I just do it.)

I am now free to not follow the rules.

I am now free to be myself.

I am now free to be silent and not explain myself.

I am now free to liberate my heart.

I am now free to forgive myself and to see that it is possible.

I am now free to treat my ego with love.

I am now free to approach people.

I am now free to connect soul to soul.

I am now free to receive love through anyone.

I am now free to accept no without taking it personally.

I am now free to be happy on my own.

I am now free to be less violent with myself.

I am now free to connect with any human without expectation.

I am now free to say no and have that be enough.

I am now free to see everyone as my teacher.

I am now free to love without resistance.

I am now free to be unprepared.

I am now free to let you be.

I am now free to meet people where they are.

I am now free to dissolve boundaries anywhere and put them up where I choose.

I am now free to feel peace in any moment.

I am now free to experience intimacy with everyone. 

I am now free to see the world as friendly.

I am now free to know that strangers love me.

I am now free to see kindness.

I am now free to meet my thoughts with love and acceptance.

I am now free to follow my instincts regardless of what others think.

I am now free to receive love in all its forms.

***

So. I’ve recommended plenty of self-help stuff. If you do nothing else, consider this. There is simply nowhere to go personal development-wise if you are thinking and believing your own painful thoughts. The Work is a daily practice. Begin with the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet and go to One Belief At A Time Worksheet. Katie suggests beginning with mother, father, sister, brother, and see what comes up.

It may just be the key to your freedom.

To learn more, take a listen to her podcast, check out the book or attend her live zoom calls which you can find more information about on thework.com.

If you want to be free, it’s time to get to work.

Love,

Elizabeth

If you are a client, we have likely done this work together. If not, this is your golden opportunity. What are you waiting for? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com.

Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my weekly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

* https://thework.com/school-for-the-work-byron-katie/

**Until now, I didn’t realize I flirted so regularly. I now recognize it as a fawning response. A full detox of all the things I believe I need to maintain baseline comfort revealed so much to me. It just isn’t true. I don’t really need anything. Just the stillness inside me.

*** https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1550830714002067 Here’s a few studies. The Harvard one was discussed at The School. I am headed out for a run soon so google it if you are curious.

**** I’ll show you what I mean with this example. One day, Katie taught about what happens when we hold negative beliefs about groups of people. The exercise was on prejudice. As we had done many times, we completed a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the matter. Katie invited an incredible trans woman who did hers on Cis Gender folks up to share. (Nelle is a power house and among my absolute favorite folks.) Katie asked if she’d answer some questions. With Nelle’s permission, Katie opened the floor to all 280 of us. She began with a few of her own, demonstrating that, as a Cis, heterosexual white woman, this was totally new territory for her. You could tell by her questions that Katie was totally curious and free from judgment. At the end, she turned to us and said, “you can be brand new at 80.”

Honestly it sounds so inadequate now that I am sitting on the plane home, surrounded by weary travelers who didn’t share this experience with me. You might be thinking she sounds like a lovely elderly lady. I invite you to question that thought.

 

A couple of months ago over fancy tacos, a dear friend said something I have played back in my head many times. She’d being feeling rudderless. Because I can’t help myself, I asked her some coachy questions. I’m not supposed to do that in a stealth way but I’d had a couple of margaritas.. so shoot me.

“I honestly have no idea what I want. What I am even interested in. No clue what’s next for me.”

I know that place. Being about everyone else to the point where you are a stranger in your own skin. It is REALLY hard to live there.

It made me take more seriously this practice of self-inquiry. You’ve heard it here before. If you didn’t take up the practice then, here’s your second chance:

What do I want right now?

I am thirsty actually. I’ll have some water.

What do I need?

To get better organized. Try your witchy new planner from Natalie Miller. Since it’s mid-February maybe upgrade to that from the phone calendar?

How do I want to feel?

F!cking amazing. And I’ve got solid plans for that..

 

One little sign post at a time leads you home to yourself. Trust me, you need to go home now.

If you aren’t supplying the directions to yourself routinely, I am begging you. Please do it. We are all going to die someday. I have this on good authority.

Asking these questions is an act of self-love. The foundation of all love, actually. All vitality and magic. Really. You want that.

With no answers to these questions, it’s impossible to make the kind of self-honoring decisions that lead you to your best life.

In this month of formally honoring love, it brought me to the question of what I really want love to look and feel like. All month I have been rolling it around and watching it take shape inside me.

 

I’ve made my list. This is what love is to me.

1. Real love means you don’t need to be any kind of way except yourself. All of you. Not just the shiny, happy parts. The crumbly bits that break apart way too easily are invited too. The ones that require picking up and reassembling with tenderness. Love welcomes all of who you are.

2. It is releasing the list of expectations that our culture has convinced us that we should be and should expect our partner to be. The perfect lover, co-parent, best friend, confidante, masseuse, cook. Instead we allow the space for them to be who they are without judgment. You love them because of all their uniqueness. Not in spite of it.

3. (This one should have been first, but who cares.) You can’t really have the good kind of love if you don’t start with you. Self-love builds empathy in every direction. Liberation in every direction. It is the space from which all love grows. If you neglect yourself, love for others gets all twisted up in lack. It feels controlling and sticky. Self-love looks like getting the proper support for your own growth so you can show up as your best self. And be available to receive the love you want. It means caring for yourself physically, mentally and spiritually FIRST. It is the only way you can show up for another person. Self love is not beating yourself up for not being the way someone else wants. It is being your best version and making no apologies.

4. Loving you means I want what you want for you. No matter what that is! It’s being fully who you are and holding wide open space in your heart for the whole person. You get to say what feels good for you. You get full agency over your life. Love is total permission.

5. Love is curiosity that allows you to be fully seen. It is making no assumptions about what you have before you in that other person. Releasing control over the narrative. Control is the opposite of love. You only want to control what you don’t trust. Trust and love are inextricably linked. To love completely, you must trust completely. We don’t own anyone. And we don’t know anyone until they invite us into their world.

6. When you love the version of yourself in the presence of that other person, you know you have found it. Your highest good is magnetized by them. If that’s not your partner, ask why not, no matter how scary the answer.

7. Love is when the giving of it feels just as good as the receiving. It is fully embodied with the knowledge that we are all one, with each other and with our Creator. Aligned with our power and the expansiveness of freedom. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Do you want that too?

8. Real love heals. Sometimes it hurts…when we are broken open to expand our capacity. Ultimately it absolutely and completely heals, if we allow ourselves to deeply surrender to it. If we know deep in our bones that we deserve love, that we are worthy of it and give our souls the permission to both want it and to open to receiving it.

9. Real love is growing. Inviting the other person to reach their full potential. Not demanding. INVITING. Neither of you shrinks from stepping into the brightest, most vibrant version of you.

10. Love is a peaceful knowing. It is the coziest. And wildest. It is freedom.

Happy Love Month everyone. And welcome to my once a month story.

When you are truly open to the exact kind of love you need, the universe will bring it right to you. It really really will. And then you get the sense that it’s all going to be okay.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What do you want right now? How do you want to feel? What tiny steps can you take today to get there?

Ready to start looking within? Email me to schedule a free Discovery Call at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my monthly stories come to your inbox? If not, you are invited to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.comand subscribe today. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. Happy reading!

 

On New Year’s Eve, I hit send on a piece entitled A New Year’s REVOLUTION, containing 23 invitations for the new year.*

I started with this one:

“I will ask myself what I want and what I am willing to let go of to get there. Because you can’t just keep cramming more into your life. We must first subtract to make room.”

This week I answer the question of where I can subtract.

Here. I choose to create space for the newest version of me to emerge right here.

The former version of me began sharing these Friday Stories during the quiet days of the pandemic. The found time created by the GREAT Pause, complicated as it was, presented opportunities when everyone’s calendar of commitments abruptly ended. I filled that space with this writing practice where I have done so much of my own soul searching and created a wonderful community of readers interested in joining me. Your notes back to me about what my stories brought up for you have meant the world. That pause was not of my own choosing, but boy did I make the most of it.

The older version of me, despite decades of therapy, said yes to nearly everything I thought I should do. The metric I used to make decisions was whether or not I’d feel like a bad person if I said no. If something I actually wanted snuck in there, it was my good luck. It was the rare decision that was born of what I actually wanted. It’s pretty stunning how long it takes to see that pattern.

Now I understand that way of moving through the world resulted from deep cultural conditioning and habitual codependence. It’s quite a bit better now, but I must consciously build healthy boundaries in every daily decision. It does not come easy for me AT ALL. But it is well worth the discomfort and growing pains.

When you are doing things so people won’t be mad at you instead of acting from your deepest desires, you aren’t living an authentic life. Adding more and more and more just to keep the peace with your inner critic isn’t what any of us actually wants. It is misery making.

The good news is, I am now a woman who says no when her body sends a signal. Because of that, a quiet peace has descended upon my inner critic. We are now on the same side. Her new role is to tell me I have permission to be who I am.

So that brings me to this piece of news. Instead of continuing to add, I will subtract. I will send a story monthly instead of weekly.

I will miss the practice. And I will miss checking in with you each week too. My favorite thing about Fridays is the sense of community I feel when you, dear reader, engage on the topic upon which I’ve shared. It really is so fun.

But, over all things dear, I choose me.

So, I look forward to hearing from you, maybe less frequently here now that we’ll have more time between stories. Perhaps more on my essayettes on Social media, if that’s your thing. (@elizabethheise.coach on Instagram.)

Sending you love and the hopes that your inner wisdom is coming through louder and clearer these days too.

Love,

Elizabeth

WRITING PROMPT: What do you choose to subtract to make room for more of YOU to emerge?

*https://elizabethheise.com/new-years-revolution-2023/

Curious about coaching? Learn more at luckybirdcoaching.com  Intrigued? You are invited to schedule a free Discovery Session at elizabeth@elizabethheise.com. And if you are family or a friend, I have an amazing coaching community ready to partner with you.

Do my stories come to your inbox? If not, you are welcome to sign up. Click on elizabethheise.com and subscribe. And if you like, come find me on the socials: @elizabethheise.coach on Instagram and @heiseelizabeth1 on Twitter. As always, thank you for reading.